A Heavy Heart.

I am not a morning person. I never have been, I doubt I ever will be.

It amazes me daily that I was made to be in a profession that requires me to get out of bed before the sun. Most days I say that I'm up before Jesus, just to make a joke out of it.

One thing that I am thankful for with this early morning job is the sunrise. Every day I see the world begin anew. The birds are waking up and singing praises; the trees dust off yesterday's dew and seek the warmth of the sun; the grass is thankful for the bright sphere rising above it to wipe away the cleansing dew and begin a new day.

On Tuesday, I led my kiddos through the "Word Olympics". We had so much fun. There was paint, food coloring, water, jump ropes, digging for treasures...I had a blast. I walked away covered in dirt, water, sweat, and paint, but my kids had a blast and they learned so much. I didn't care that I was gross, because my children learned something new on Tuesday. I could see it in their eyes.

At the end of the school day on Tuesday, my principal stepped into my room with news that broke my heart.

When I took this position, I knew that there was slight chance that it would be a temporary position. Everyone assured me to not worry about that, there was no way that it would be temporary; I would be here until June.

This is not the case.

I will be leaving my kiddos in January.

I will be leaving the school that raised me, the teachers that formed me, the principal who guided me.

The children who are the reason that I get out of bed every morning between 4:30 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. will no longer be in my life in January.

This is a crappy reality to comprehend.

I have to leave the teachers who are mentors, the teachers who are friends, the staff who have become guiding lights through this insane process of first-year teaching.

This. Sucks.

As soon as I heard the news, that "little voice in the back of my head" said, "I've got you. Remember that I've got you." I am deeply struggling to listen to that voice right now.

This morning, as I'm sitting at my desk, typing this blog entry, the sun is coming up over the practice football field. There's dense line of oak trees on the opposite side of the field.These trees are glowing with the promise of a new day. The grass seems to be dancing in the wind, waking up to face the heat and the children. My children are starting to straggle into their seats as the tardy bell approaches. I see on their face that they are sleepy, but I also see in their eyes that they know they are here for a purpose: to learn and be educated.

It's my job to teach them and to educate them.

So as the light blue sky is being caressed by whispy white clouds, and the bright green trees are simply a silhouette to a beautiful morning sunrise, I will remember that my purpose is greater than my pain.

I will not be giving in to the bitterness and the defeat. I will continue to stand in front of my 87 children and tell them every day that they are loved, that they are important, that they are smart, and that they are kind.

I only have until January to teach them everything important in life. But every day, I have sunrise to remind me that mercy is new every morning, and that this position was God-breathed and He has me in the palm of His hand.

I Believe and I Worry.

I believe in praying big.
I believe that when I pray, I am speaking to a big God.
So big that He created the heavens and the earth.

I believe that He wants us to pray big.
I believe that He is kind and loving and gentle.
I believe He hears every word that I say. Every word that I say to Him or to others. I believe He knows every thought that goes through my head.

"Indeed, the very hairs on your head have been numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I believe that He pays attention to me so closely throughout the entire day that even as I shed my hair worse than my puppy does, He still can, at any moment, tell how many hairs I have on my head. He can also tell me how many hairs I have ever grown on my head. I believe He pays this close attention to me out of love, because He created me in love and I believe He will never stop loving me.

This summer He called me close to Him. He has pulled me to sit at His feet and listen. He has pulled me into His lap to learn to trust and to be comforted. He has put me in places where I am alone so that I only have Him to cry out to. This summer He has provided my every need in the moment where it has needed to be met.

When I was in a car accident in June, He provided friends who stepped up and gave me rides to work.
When I was in need of a car after mine was declared totaled, He provided multiple family members with willing hearts to share their vehicles with me so I could continue going to the doctor and going to work.
When I didn't know how I was going to buy groceries at the end of the spring semester, He provided a gift card to Target from a friend to commemorate graduation. It was just enough to buy a week's worth of food until my next paycheck.
When I needed rest more than anything else, He had already provided wonderful bosses who let me take time off after my wreck.
When I couldn't fully dress myself about my wreck due to injury-based physical limitations, He provided a mother and sister to help me.
When I needed time alone and someone to talk to, I always seemed to have an errand to run. An errand whose drive was just long enough for me to scream my unhappiness into "the void" and move on with my emotions before arriving to my destination. Even when "no one" was listening, it amazed me how much better I felt.
When I contracted pink eye, He provided wonderful parents to pay my bills and fill my prescriptions, even though I'm "on my own."
When I needed a full-time, grown-up job after graduation, He led a principal to call me, even though I hadn't applied for this particular position.
When I asked for outrageous things to be a part of this full-time, grown-up job, He gave me all of them, just because He loves me.
When I prayed for peace harder than my lungs pray for air, He took control of the situation, manuevered it out of my hands, and gave me a peace so chilling I questioned the state of my physical and mental health.

I truly believe that this summer was pieced together so that I would learn to trust in Him. This summer was the beginning of my adult life and I believe that it was used as the foundation of the rest of my life. When building a foundation, one needs to trust...to trust that the foundation will carry whatever weight is put on it for the remainder of the time that it is asked to stand. Trust that no matter what storm blows or activity proceeds, the foundation will continue to be strong.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I struggle with trust. I have seen trust broken more often than I have seen it kept. I have seen friends betray loved ones and I have seen promises dismissed. I have seen people forgotten.

And yet, there is this Savior, who asks me to get out of bed every day and remember Who He is. Remember how great He is. He asks me to believe and to trust that every day He will remember me. Every day He will love me. Every day He will cherish me. Every day He will guide me. Every day He will provide for me.

Every day, He keeps His promise.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."
Matthew 10:29

My biggest fear is that one day He will go back on His promise. My biggest fear is that one day He will forget me. My biggest fear is that one day He will let me fall to the ground. My biggest fear is that He will stop loving me.

But He hasn't broken a single promise in thousands of years.

Not only that, but He slaughtered His own Beloved Son to bring me to Him.
He turned away from His boy so that He could look on me.
He watched as His Son was torchured...
As His Son was whipped...
As His Son was chained....
As His Son was spat upon...
As His Son was dragged...
As His Son was mocked...
As His Son was crying out...
As His Son bled...
As His Son was pierced with nails...
As His Son hung dying...

so that He could look on me.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat. or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than the birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He cloth you--you of little faith!"
Luke 12:22-28

While the Lord is showing me His favor daily, I continue to worry. I worry that He will forget me. I worry that I will go hungry. I worry that someone may not like me. I worry about there not being enough hours in the day. I worry about being able to properly educate my students. I worry about paying my bills because they're due before the check comes.

I worry, and the Lord laughs.
I worry, and the Lord waits for me to finish freaking out.
I worry, and the Lord shakes His head with a smile on His face.
I worry, and He replies...

"Rebekah, allow Me to love you."

My prayer through this entire summer has been, "I am expecting You to show up. I am expecting You to fix this. No Sir, this is not a request."

Here I am again. Sitting at His feet. Pleading into His eyes to love me, comfort me, hold me, provide for me, show me how big He is, show me how mighty He is, show me how beautiful He is, show me how deeply He loves me, show me how true He is.

"Lord, I'm expecting You to show up."

Let's see how He does it this time...

A Prayer.

Dear Lord,

Thank You, thank You, thank You from the bottom of my heart for each and every one of my girls, my grandgirls, great-grandgirls, great-great-grandgirls and for all of the generations that I may not have the blessing to know.

Lord, thank You for their smiles. For the way that they light up a room.
Lord, thank You for their laughter. I love that it is one simple way that You show me just how different they are.
Lord, thank You for the way that they pray like You're right there beside them.
Lord, thank You for being right there beside them.
Lord, thank You for making them stronger than you made me, and thank You for strengthening me through their love and kindness and through each one of those smiles that I get to witness.

Lord, out of all of the beautiful girls that You formed perfectly and placed on this earth, how did You know that these one-hundred-and-thirty-some were the exact ones that I wanted and needed in my life? I'll never understand it.

Sweet Father, I ask that You break them, like You broke me. Father, break their sweet hearts for the things that are not pleasing to You. But Lord, do not stop there!!! Rebuild these hearts, Lord! Rebuild them perfectly to plead for the things that You love. Rebuild them for Your Kingdom. Strengthen them Lord so that You can use them in mighty ways.

Lord I ask that You are a lamp to their feet, just bright enough to know that You are right there Lord, and You're not going anywhere.

Daddy, I pray that You refine them through the fire. We both know how hard that is and how much work it takes. We know how much it hurts. Lord, I know that You put obstacles along the way: temptations, pain, sharks, mountains, jagged rocks, broken glass, lions and tigers and bears, OH MY! But God, I also know that YOU are at the finish line!!! I know this Lord! I know that when we come out of each trial and temptation, that You are there to pick us up. I know that when we finish, screaming in pain, crawling towards you, saying:

"Daddy! Daddy! It hurts so bad! Everything hurts, Daddy!"

I know that You pick us up and carry us! I know that You kiss away every tear, You clean every scrape and cut. You wash away every drop of our own blood. I know this, Father! I know it!

You look at us and say, "Beloved. My sweet girl. My darling. Daddy's here. Daddy never left."

"But Lord, I didn't see You!"

"I was right here, baby. And I have never stopped loving you. I'm going to fix this."

Lord, refine them. Make them Yours and Yours alone. Don't allow the distractions of tin foil take their eyes off of the mountains of silver and gold you offer us freely. Wrap Your great, vast, loving arms around them. Father, please, please, please don't let go!!!

Father, use their smiles and their laughter. Use their sass and their stubbornness. Use their gentleness and their determination. Use their desires and mold them new ones! Teach them how to hang on to each other and to You. Show them how to walk blindly, because it is only then that they can truly learn how wonderful, how beautiful, how amazing, how awesome, how incredible, how unspeakably good You are. Use their many talents, and ask them to use some of their weaknesses too! Show them that You are mighty, and that You are powerful, and that, more than anything, that YOU LOVE THEM!!! Lord, take them out of their comfort zone and then hold onto them so tightly that they know they are not alone, but that You are there, and that they are only standing there because You have them wrapped in Your strong arms.

Sweet Savior. Beautiful Father. Precious Redeemer. Almighty God.

I did nothing. I did nothing for three years. We both know this. I did nothing, and You still blessed me with these smiles, with these cheeks to kiss, with these girls to hug, these hearts to love. I will never, ever understand it.

But Lord, if You give me nothing else for the rest of my years, I will completely be content.

You gave me You, Lord. And because You're more generous than I can fathom...You gave me them.

Thank You.

----------------------

To my girls:

I write this with tears streaming down my face thinking of your beautiful faces and all of the blessings that I have received through each and every one of you. These tears come from knowing our Savior and from knowing you. I pray this prayer and many others for you daily. I have each of your names written in various places where I can see them and pray for you, by name, daily.

Know you are loved more greatly than you will ever comprehend.

I am blessed to know you, humbled to serve you, and overjoyed to love you.

Puzzle Pieces

I stopped by my next door neighbor's house last night before heading back to Raleigh to my apartment. We discussed life and a bit of this and that, nothing too heavy.

Somehow, the fact that I cook for my Bible Study girls every week was dropped into the conversation. My next door neighbor thought that was a sweet thing to do...until she heard I cook for thirty grown-ups every week like it's nothing.

To me, it isn't a big deal. Just double, triple, or quadruple the recipe and then serve.

I love cooking for people. It allows me to know that my girls are eating their vegetables. It also is a fun way for me to serve others and love people, because let's face it, few college kids actually cook...Ramen noodles, spaghetti, and Lean Cuisines are a big part of our diets.

While I was talking with my neighbor, she said something that I've been processing ever since:

"Reba, what is the Lord going to do with that? I mean, most people can't do that. Much less, love doing it."

So true. This sentence is so true. I love how the Lord made so many different people. I love that none of us are the same. I love that He takes the time to craft His children and come up with billions and billions and billions of different fingerprints.

As I have been thinking about this statement, it makes me do a bit of a happy dance about my future. I am already seeing so much of my personality come out as I prep for my first teaching job. Yes, you read that right. Looks like I'll be using my degree after all. This girl got herself a teaching job.

Well, actually, this girl didn't do anything...The Lord gave this girl a teaching job, and she's so excited about it, she can't sleep.

But cooking for 30 people isn't a skill that can be truly utilized as a teacher. I've incorporated singing, tap dancing, creative writing, bad cartwheels, laughter, and many other things into being a teacher. But what about the other little things that I love?

A friend of mine once told me about her parents and how they were/are complete opposites but they've made almost 30 years of marriage work. Her parents talk about how they've seen different pieces of their personalities work together while they've been married. For instance, her dad is an incredibly compassionate and nurturing man which really was needed while her mother was (successfully!) fighting cancer. Her mother was also afraid of marriage before they got together because she didn't want to be tied down and have someone looking over her shoulder all the time. She needed to be independent. Because her husband travels four days out of the week with this business, she got to be independent and still live her life!

It's stories like this that make me excitedly anxious for the future. I can't wait to watch as each piece of the puzzle comes together. As each love and passion in my life gets used for the greater good.

Lack of Productivity.

This picture is currently my Facebook profile picture, my computer background, and my cell phone wall paper.

I can't get anything done because whenever I try to...this picture makes me stop and stare, smile and giggle.

I ran into my Rachel on campus yesterday and was telling her about how I couldn't get anything done. She started laughing and informed me that it would be really sad for me to have to ask for an extension on an assignment because "you couldn't stop telling a picture that you love it."

It's kind of pathetic.

"I run in the way of your commandments, and so you shall enlarge my heart." Psalm 119:32

I have run the race and the Lord has certainly blown up my heart with joy, blessings, and excitement!

No matter that I have two papers and a test due tomorrow.

These past few weeks have been crazy! I haven't had the opportunity to sleep much, and my heart has been heavy for a good number of my friends who have been hurting.

Through all of this, I have been trying to remember where my security is placed.

My security and my comfort are not located here on earth, but up in Heaven with my Savior.

My route to work involves going on the edge of campus on Pullen Rd. Therefore, I see the bell tower every Tuesday and Thursday on my way to work.

As I was driving yesterday, I snapped this picture.

Isn't it amazing?

The sky is so blue and it just looks so peaceful!

It was a beautiful reminder of where my hope lies. It is obviously not here.

In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:21-22

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

Let the morning bring me news of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my soul.

Psalm 143:8

Jesus Moments at Lake J.

I would like for the record to show that it is February 27th, and it is SEVENTY-NINE DEGREES OUTSIDE. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

I decided it was too gorgeous to stay inside, so after a beautiful lunch with my Haley at Neomonde, a fantastic Lebanese restaurant across from Meredith College, I grabbed the puppy and went for a walk.

We walked from my house to Lake Johnson. I could not stop basking in the glory of the day! The sky was the perfect color blue, it was perfectly warm outside and the sun was out!

When Milley and I got to Lake Johnson, we went down the water to let her splash around a bit. She decided she would rather lay in the pinestraw in the shade, so we did for a few minutes. I had my iPod in and was listening to Hillsong United, praising my Jesus in my heart for His goodness. While Milley and I were resting, this little girl, I would say about 8, came up and said something to me. Having my iPod in, I had to ask her to repeat it.

"May I have permission to love your puppy, please?" her little voice squeaked.

"Absolutely, sugar! She loves people. Her name is Milley," I replied.

Sweet Little Girl began to rub Milley and talk about how good she was, how gentle she was, how kind she was.

"She's so soft!" Sweet Little Girl squealed. "Can my brother pet her?"

"Of course."

"Stay here, please. I am going to go get him."

Sweet Little Girl comes back, holding her brother's hand, once again talking about how nice Milley is. "She won't bite you, she's gentle. She loves people!"

Sweet Little Girl and Her Brother stay for a few more minutes rubbing on Milley. In the mean time, a couple of other children come up and begin to love my puppy. Milley was in heaven.

As all good things tend to do, the Milley-love-fest ended and the children went back to playing. Milley and I stood up and headed towards the road so we could make the 1.4 mile trip back to the apartment.

While we were walking, it hit me. That little episode with this little girl and Milley is the perfect representation of my Jesus...



We walk up to Him, not knowing why we are drawn to Him, we just know that we are. Timidly we ask if we may sit down beside Him and be His friend. Because He loves us so much and His attention is always on us, He never has to ask us to repeat this request; He is listening for it all the time. Those are the words He most wants to hear.

He invites us to sit down with Him and stay awhile. We soon realize that He is loving, and gentle, and good, and kind, and sweet. We've never met anyone like this before and we want to bring out friends to meet Him too.

"Stay please! Stay where I can find you again!" we plead. Smiling, He stays, wanting nothing more than to have us close to Him again.

We bring friends to Him, knowing that He will be kind to them too. Soon our friends realize all of the wonderful attributes of Him that we have. As we sit there and love him, more and more people see this and come to be apart of it. He just sits there, soaking up every minute of this love and attention.

Milley and I were walking back to the house and I realized that about a block from our house, someone had let a fire hydrant run wild. Water was going everywhere. You could see it, smell it, hear it...it was everywhere. I knew the exact moment that Milley realized that we were walking into this scenario. She perked up and started walking really fast and determined. She was going to lap up some of that water and nothing could stop her. When we got to the intersection of the rapids, she looked around, looking for the perfect spot for her drinking. When she found it, she shot across the road and settled herself in for a drink. She's an old dog, but she's determined.

Once again, I was reminded of my Jesus.


When we get a glimpse of His majesty, we want more. When we get a wiff of His scent, we want to breathe it in. When we see a piece of Him, we want all of it. That desire for Him never goes away. We run as fast as we can so we can be in His arms as soon as we can. When we are finally there in His arms, we do cartwheels, we swim in them, we cannot contain our joy because it is everything we have ever wanted.

John 4:10 "Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that sks you for a drink, you would hav easked him and he would have given you living water.'"
Revelation 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; 'he will lead them to springs of living water.' 'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'"

John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

I have tasted this Living Water and I have been satisfied. I am satisfied daily by a Savior who is sustaining me, even though most days I feel like th eworld is falling out from underneath. He is good and His mercies endure forever.

Day of Love.

Happy Day of Love!

I have no romantic story to tell, except for the story that I am blessed enough to write every single day with The Love of My Life, my beautiful Savior.

I thought today could be shown through pictures.

Every picture here is a different representation of love and blessings in my life.

Each one of these photos makes my heart skip a beat for a unique reason.

Even if it's just a picture of me and one other person, it represents something far and beyond it.

So there it is. My life in pictures.

It's also not too late to submit your name in any of the SEVEN different ways for the Valentine's Giveaway!

Listening to my Haley.

These are some of my grandgirls.

These are my Kelsey and my Lauren's girls.

Morgan, Haley, Natalie, Emma, Bailey, and Kelsey.

This made me smile.

I wanted to share that smile with you.

For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God's people, I have no stopped griving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know HIm better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy place, and his incomparably great ower for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

Ephesians 1:15-21

I love these girls a lot. A whole, whole, whole lot.

I had lunch with my Haley yesterday and I expressed some frustration with her about not being about to cast vision with my ministry any more since I have only have 112 days until I graduate.

Haley, in true gentleness and love, then rebuked me.

"You might not be here, but your girls will be. Their girls will be. And then their girls will be. Cast vision for them. Tell them of your college experience and how much you pray that theirs will be as fruitful and as much of a growing process."

Yes, ma'am.

So, my beautiful girls.

In short...

Pray without ceasing.

Expect God to show up all the time.

Challenge Him to do big things.

Step out on faith.

Get uncomfortable.

Learn the Bible like your best friend's Facebook page.

Listen to that still, small voice.

Love with everything you have.

And then love some more.

Never, ever settle in any aspect of your life.

THAT BOY IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.

Surround yourself with people that will support you and pray for you.

If you can count the number of people you have hugged in a day, the number of times you have said "I love you" or the number of times you smiled...you didn't do it enough.

Remember always that you're a daughter of the King.

Remember always that you're more beautiful that I can put into words.

Remember always that you are nothing and He is everything.

Remember always that if you do nothing else but love for the next four years, you will have done more than you will remember.

I love you.

(dis)Comfort and JOY!

For anyone that has spoken to me in the past few weeks, you know that I've been struggling. Since I've gotten back into the country, I've been struggling with the fact that I felt like I have no purpose here in America or, more specifically, in Raleigh. That struggle became easier when my girls began to arrive back to Raleigh and they became my world again, but the main idea hasn't gone away. It intensified once more a few weeks ago when I was sitting in Bible Study with my beautiful girls and I realized that the people that I tell about Jesus all ready know Jesus. To go from an atmosphere where there's a chance that I'm the only white person these people will ever see, and that there's a possibility that I'm the only evangelical believer these people will ever meet to this place where I look like everybody, talk like most, and believe as all my friends do...it's odd. And overwhelming in some scenarios.

I've always struggled with my post-graduation plans from the time I was a sophomore. I had always hidden this desire of mine to join staff with Crusade for at least a year so I could love on my girls for another year. But then I headed over to the Middle East and now I have this strong desire to go back over there.

While riding home from Fall Retreat, a friend of mine mentioned that I WAS going back after I graduate. There was no "maybe" or "eventually". Going back to the Middle East was the only option for me. When I mentioned the whole Crusade/baby girls thing, he commented, "Well, doesn't sticking around here kind of go against the whole 'sharing Jesus with people who don't know Him' thing?" This little statement has sent me into a serious praying state for the past few days. If I was confused as to what to do with my life before he made this point, I have quadrupled it.

One of my biggest prayers during my last few weeks of Lebanon was pleading to the Lord to "not be done here." I knew these people were living in a very conflicted area and they could at any minute go to war and have no more time to consider Jesus. It scared me that there might not be anyone that could tell them about Jesus anymore. I just lived in fear for these people. Still do at some days. It's a huge struggle to lay these beautiful friends at the feet of Jesus.
Well, I love Jesus. I got an email today from one of my Lebanon brothers telling us that a STINTer had emailed him letting him know that someone that we had talked with this summer HAD PRAYED TO RECEIVE CHRIST!!! I screamed. Literally. Outloud. In class. God still has a lot of work to do over there and I'm still praying adamently for these people, but I loved knowing that there was one that I could check off my list.

Now what does this do for my unhappiness in America? Well, time will tell that one too.

unbelief.

after a fabulous spring break of support raising, i received ZERO support on monday. not a single penny, dollar, check...NADA. the test of my faith that this put me under is nearly impossible for me to put into words.

however, talking to my lovely roommate suzanne, i realized that i received enough support over spring break to cover my next deposit due in a few weeks. i can literally go over a month without needing another penny (y'all don't get any ideas por favor). God's provision is awesome.

it's also a stretch of faith that i've received many (roughly 15) replies of promised support, but i don' t actually have that money in my hand. it's another simple way that God is whispering "I'm in control" to know that it's out there, but not in my hand--aka, in my control.

and then, because God is awesome, yesterday happened.
i checked the mailbox after classes and had $100 worth of support in there.
i went out to a fabulous dinner with my family and came back to find two envelopes sitting on my desk that weren't there before. in them was $160 worth of anonymous support.

i don't know who you are, but you answered prayers. i thank you from the bottom of heart. since you've decided to keep your identity a secret, i have no way to throw my arms around you and thank you in person, so i hope this will be sufficient. you are truly answering my prayers and showing me that ALL THINGS REALLY ARE POSSIBLY IN CHRIST. thank you. thank you. thank you.

and then if that wasn't enough, my baby girls showed up for bible study and dropped off $100 worth of support between them.

and then because God is awesome i thought of about twelve more names and sent those envelopes off today. and then i thought of two more today when i got on campus.

in this journey i don't always understand. in this journey, i'm often walking blind and truly relying on complete surrendering and faith to get me through this. i'll be honest, i don't completely believe in this project with my flesh. my soul knows this is where i'm supposed to be going and serving, but the rest of me is still doubting very much and really freaking out. i can give a thousand reasons why i shouldn't be doing this...but God's answer is always, "You have to love ME more."

thanks to all of you for believing in this ministry even at times i don't.
thanks to all of you for some reason believing that i can be effective for Christ.
thanks to all of you for listening to Jesus when He says "pray. give. go."
thank you for providing a way for me to serve Him where He calls me.

when Jesus breaks out of the box i put Him in.

this is going to be long, but so full of Jesus moments it will be worth your time.

allison and i were driving back from clearwater today and we were listening to the hillsong cd she had in her car. i was thinking about my baby girls and the fellowship event we have coming up on sunday night. i decided to send a short text alerting them of the fun ahead and realized that i had 28 girls to send a text to. because my mind is so weird, i then began to think about how many cars it would take (filled to the seat belt limit--safety first) to get my girls to my car if everyone came. then i thought, no wait...i can't even fit all of my baby girls in a FIFTEEN PASSENGER VAN. there physically isn't a car that i can legally drive with my current age and license to transport all of my baby girls.
while thinking on numbers, i remembered my favorite verse in malachi.

"Test me in this," declares the Lord Almighty, "and see if I do not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room to store it."

Malachi 3:10b

if we think of a fifteen passenger van as a storehouse...yeah, i guess you could say that we have less than adequate room. when you include my coleader and i, we're only one shy of needing THREE VANS to transport us all.

so i then look at the cd case in my hand and see the explanation of where the cd generated.

while in bogota, colombia, hillsong was about to perform when the power went out. the crowd began to roar; not in agony or in fear, but in excitement. and not the sort of excitement that the concert is about to start, but excitement that they were there to worship Jesus. the hillsong guy commented on how this was when it truly sank in that no matter where he was, Jesus was there first because He created every single one of the people he was performing in front of.

this got me thinking about Lebanon. i started thinking about the women that i'm going to be encountering and how they will visibly be able to tell a difference between themselves and i. not just by my clothes, but the smile i wear on my face and my sense of freedom. they're so depressed and put into these horrible conditions, but i have been given freedom through the blood of the Lamb. i could hear God saying to me,

"Rebekah...why are you so burdened about your work in Lebanon? I am there now, as I am with you. I am already working and your job is going to be so easy because I have paved the way. And your girls? They're mine first. I'm just loaning them to you. Why do you complain about the task I have given you? You've asked for big things your entire life, and now I'm giving them to you, so please stop complaining. I only ask for you to love them. The only thing that I ever ask of you is for you to obey Me. Trust Me with your girls; follow Me to Lebanon. Trust Me to raise your money. Please."

being the idiot that I am, I continued to doubt that it was really my place to be this summer.

"Okay, God. If you really want me to go to Lebanon, I would really enjoy $1000 by the end of Spring Break. One thousand dollars shouldn't be that difficult for You to bring in during one week."

so, i show up back at my apartment and check my mailbox and find 10 letters. whoo hoo! ten letters in four days!! i start opening them in my living room and i am getting some pretty nice numbers on some checks and in cash. while i have two left, one was from a $500 supporter during my clearwater days, and the other was a $20 supporter. i opened the $500 supporter's envelope only to find $100. don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled for the hundred, but i remember thinking...

"it's okay, Lord. spring break isn't technically over til monday, so you still have time to get some cash in if you really want me to go."

as i'm tearing open my last envelope, i'm not expecting anything.

then...i see the number on the check...and i also start seeing spots. i realize the entire world is spinning too quickly and as i hand the check to my roommate to inspect, i grab onto a stool and the doorframe.

$1000.

One. Thousand. Dollars.

written to campus crusade for christ.

with my name in the note line.

i received over $1600 in support in a single day.

i received over 1/3 of my base support during one sitting.

"Rebekah Suzanne. Now it's your turn to shut up, write thank you cards, send out more support letters, and realize that I've told you a billion times to go to Lebanon. Stop fighting it and rejoice in the freedom I give."

...

...

...

"yes Sir."

sometimes, it's the small things.

well, i'm currently sunburnt (i'm primed and ready for a wolfpack game right now) and sitting in the NORTH SUNRISE RESORT in CLEARWATER BEACH FLORIDA :)
although this trip has been incredibly interesting, i wanted to share one small way that Jesus showed up this week.

since we're sunburnt, allison and i have been finding different ways to amuse ourselves. i've almost read two books and we've slept and applied a lot of aloe. today however, we did a bit of shopping and swung by the Family Christian Store so alli could get a devotional book. i was browsing as i so love to do in bookstores and ran across a book. it's called "Woman to Woman." it talks through one woman's struggle and fear of evangelizing and talking to muslim friends. as soon as she learned a few tips and through the power of Jesus, her fears were overcome and she eventually moved to the middle east with her newfound freedom.

as i expressed ALL OVER my application (my own pathetic attempt to not get accepted), i have a ginormous fear of evangelizing to muslims. it's just one more reason why i know this was never my idea to pack up and move to lebanon for the summer. i don't know what it is, but i don't think i can handle it. over the past few days a few friends have told me that they have books to suggest (yeah, cuz i have time to read) and have given a few tips of their own. i am incredibly grateful to them for their kindness and concern but it still kinda scared me.

well, i picked up that book at family christian and read the back and immediately knew i needed that book. i later talked to a sales lady who said it was the last one in the store, and it was on sale! yeah! it was also misplaced when i found it, and probably wouldn't have found it otherwise. i decided to stop believing in circumstances and threw my debit card on the counter.

so thanks Jesus for being awesome. it's something small that i'm hoping God will do great things through.

i'm giving in.

it's time for healing time to move on

it's time to fix what's been broken too long

time to make right what has been wrong

it's time to find my way to where i belong

there's a wave that's crashing over me

all i can do is surrender.

(chorus)

whatever You're doing inside of me

it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

it's hard to surrender to what i can't see

but i'm giving in to something heavenly

time for a milestone

time to begin again

revaluate who i really am

am i doing everything to follow Your will

or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

so show me what it is You want from me

i give everything to surrender

(chorus)

time to face up

clean this old house

time to breate in and let everything out

that i've wanted to say for so many years

time to release all my held back tears

whatever You're doing inside of me

it feels like choas but i believe

You're up to something bigger than me

larger than life, something heavenly

thank you pandora for once again bringing a song into my life that changes my perspective. this song describes my life right now. i know that there's something going on within me, i know that there's something so much bigger than me about to erupt in my life. but thanks be to God that He is in control and not me. as much as i've been fighting it, i'm finally letting go of my control over my summer. there's been too many times that it all could have been taken away and it all could have crumbled but it hasn't, i'm still on this path. and i'm really excited about it.

there aren't words

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God.

Hebrews 12:2-3

Today alone, I received almost $500 worth of support. On a day that started out rather discouraging, and which wasn't improved by the rain or my midterm, Jesus showed His face in life and I could not be more thankful. While I'm on this journey that is a major worry on my brain almost every day, I can either allow Jesus to swallow me in grace and peace, or allow the world to do so with frustration, worry, and defeat. I pray, I pray, I pray that the first prevails.

drop it all and follow Him.

ooookay. after days of some depressing blogs, it's time for me to be happy again.
i love Jesus. i do. i love how He has everything all planned out for our good and how just simply awesome He is.

allow me to show you the awesomeness of today.
i woke up in the same "blah" attitude that i've had for a few days now. never fun.
through some miscommunication i didn't go to my first class today (surprise, surprise) and slept in a few extra hours. woke up eventually and showered and headed to my 1:30. this class is probably on the bottom of my priorities list, and i just don't like it. i go because he takes attendance. that's it. but moving on...

we got out of my literacy class a few minutes early, so i went ahead over to talley to meet with michelle edwards. on the way, i ran into two rather fabulous friends of mine: caleb durham and another guy. after i got my hugs, caleb told me that he had found my blog and almost cried a bit for me when he read my rather depressing recent entries. my other friend then spoke up and mentioned that he had some books and resources that might help me on my adventures to lebanon this summer. those boys were so kind and encouraging and they absolutely brightened my day times a billion. eventually caleb had to run to class but my other friend and i kept talking about Jesus and just how amazing He is. his words and reassurances meant so much to me and helped me refocus that none of this is about me and God is so much bigger than I am and that He's in control and not me.

i then went to discipleship with michelle edwards and we got some talley ice cream (aka the world's BEST ice cream) and then went and sat on a bench in the sunshine. i went through some of my stresses recently and after she let me get it out of my system, she then gave me the task of "listing things i could thank God for today." she mentioned that she knew that i always tried to praise God, but thanking Him and praising Him can easily become two different things. i began to say a few things, but had to really really think about the last few. it honestly took me about 10 minutes to come up with 5 or 6 things. that is so ridiculous! i have an amazing life. an absolutely amazing one. i have the freedom to go on ridiculous adventures; i am getting a wonderful education at an amazing university; i am the very very proud aunt of one of the world's most beautiful baby girls; i have 26 of the world's most beautiful, compassionate, and kind bible study girls; i am involved in a beautiful bible study myself with a wonderful support group; my brother and sister love me more than i can understand, and i them; my parents both love Jesus and so does the rest of my family; my Project family is the best group of people that i know. it should NOT take me 10 minutes to think of things to thank my Jesus for. that activity kind of brought me back to reality about what my life actually is about than the sob story that i have been making it recently.

i soon left and came back to my apartment to find my wonderful roommates thoroughly cleaning our kitchen. my heart was all aflutter to see them doing this small act of kindness and service so that i could just concentrate on school (and blog posting) tonight. the smallest things mean so much to me.
i then got on my computer and found an email from one of the staff people from lebanon. this email contained the names and emails of the rest of my project for this summer. i spent the next hour facebook stalking them and it was such a relief to my heart. all of the things that i have been praying for were true (these were later confirmed by my project director, but more on that later).
1. there will only be 8-10 students on the trip (the EXACT numbers i've been praying for)
2. currently, there are 4 girls coming, and there was never any mention of another girl applying (i have been praying for an even number of girls...the number 4 has come up once or twice in my prayers as well :)!!)
3. there's more than 3 guys coming--currently there's 4, but that number might grow to 5. (i've been praying for an even number of guys and girls or more guys than girls)
4. we're all juniors and seniors (due to maturity levels and current walks with Jesus i knew this would be best).
God is so good and I was so blessed to find that His ideas match mine.

i also had a wonderful and encouraging conversation with my andrea. she's one of my new girls and has been a blessing to my heart from the minute i saw her. i just love knowing that even though i've only known her a few weeks, she's already comfortable with me and i can already see the Lord working in our lives together.

about thirty minutes later, a knock comes from my front door (people...don't knock. just walk in. no one knocks at my house and it kinda freaks me out when someone does). it was a wonderful friend of mine that informed me that she had been praying for my adventures and that she had some support she wanted to give. she had told me recently that she had some financial stuff coming up and i was really only expecting a few dollars from her. oh man! she shot that theory down!!! with her donation and my other letters today, i received $220 today which puts me over $800 and very very close to my support goal of $1000 by Friday!!

about thirty minutes after my dear friend left, my project director called me and we talked for almost an hour. i got alot of questions cleared up and i just got to know her better. my philosophy on life (especially after Clearwater) is vulnerability is best; honesty is great. if you don't speak up, nothing changes. no one grows and no one benefits. am i honest all the time and do i let the world know my every thought? no, but i do what i think i should. she also has this policy of honesty and vulnerability and i found a great connection between the two of us which made me so excited for this summer! she was so encouraging and was a great voice of reason in my life that i've been needing for about a week.

when i got off the phone with my project director, i headed over to the Campus Outreach weekly meeting. i had never been to one before, but in order to follow up with a girl who wasn't emailing me back, i decided to go to one. not only did i get to talk to my girl, but i saw a few other old friends (and met new ones!) and was so encouraged by the message!
One of the key passages for the message was Genesis 12:1-4.

1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your land, your people, and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great and you will be a blessing. 3 I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will also curse and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." 4 So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; Lot set out with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran.

Okaayyy. Can we please talk about how this is my life?! As I have said many, many times, Lebanon was NOT my idea. It was completely Jesus'. But this is exactly what God has been telling me to do.
"Leave your land (aka Raleigh, America), your people (your Wolfpackers--Lebanon is not NCSU's partnership--your baby girls, your first project family), and your father's household (my family) to go to the land I will show you (He told me Lebanon)."
God didn't tell Abram to "pack up and go to this single place and follow these instructions: a,b,c,d,e,f, so on and so forth." He just said "get up and go." So Abram did. And we all know that's not what i've been doing. i've been complaining, i've been kicking and screaming, i've been unhappy. sure, i've applied. sure, i've been raising support. sure, i haven't withdrawn my application. but we all know my joy has NOT been coming from the Lord and i have not been willing. i am in no way saying that i have completely changed and will be happy all the time about Lebanon now, but God certainly did some smacking upside the head. what i am saying is that i am going to go to sleep with a smile on my face and wake up happy in a few hours for the first time in a while.

and one more joyous thing, just for the road: my next post will more than likely come from CLEARWATER BEACH, FLORIDA and the NORTH SUNRISE RESORT AND HOTEL!!!

twenty three.

twenty three.

that's the number of appointments i have left in order to meet up with all of my girls. all of them. all sixty seven of them.

sixty seven.

twenty three.

i love Jesus.

if you could keep this process in your prayers, i'd greatly appreciate it. i have nine weeks left in this semester. that's a little over two girls a week. oh boy. i'm just glad Jesus is bigger than i am :)

my sinless Savior

i'm not at all a fan of whiny people. i mean really. they get nothing done, they have no suggestions on how to improve their life or others, they just want to complain and annoy the mess out of me. that is their goal in life: to annoy the mess out of me.

one of the worst complaints i hear towards my Jesus is "He doesn't know what I'm going through." seriously? seriously, hypothetical person that i'm ranting at right now? are you really that naive? are you really that shallow in your walk with Him that you don't know what He's done for you?

the phrase "He died for my sins" has become so watered down in our culture that it makes me sick. "Oh yeah. i know Jesus. He died on that cross thing. yeah, about two thousand years ago." yes, all of this is true. but there's so much more to the story!!!

i was preparing for my Bible Study earlier and had to cross reference our lesson with Isaiah 53. My heart leapt immediately when i saw "Isaiah" written on the page. i am a huge fan of the book of Isaiah. it taught me so much when i was going through a time where i desired to discover the world and my Savior who isn't of this world. a quote from Amy Carmichael set up reading Isaiah 53, and before i enter my rant about how absolutely amazing my Jesus is, i want to share with you this quote.

The Hand that touches is the Hand that was pierced--a pierced hand is tender; it knows the feeling of pain.

okay. so please tell me what Jesus doesn't know about?

"He doesn't know what it's like to be alone." ok. really?! God turned His head away from His Beloved Son in order for Him to be crucified. we, us measley, terrible, sinful human beings, have the promise that He will never leave us or forsake us. Jesus, the author and perfector of OUR faith, didn't get that same offer. He wins Round 1.

"He doesn't know what it's like to cry myself to sleep every night because i'm so hurt and confused." He sweat blood as He was crying out for the cup to be taken from Him. in the words of jeremy clayton: boom roasted. (and by the way, the cup didn't pass. He stopped sweating blood and starting to have His own physically ripped out of His veins. my Jesus knows suffering.)

c'mon people. give me a hard one.

"He doesn't know what it's like to love someone so much and give them everything i have to offer, only to have them walk away."
...
...
...
how do i put this gently?
there is no greater love than this: that man lay down his life for his friends.
as Jesus was committing the greatest act of love that ever crossed the face of this earth, the people He loved so much were spitting in His face. His perfect face. His perfect hands were being pierced. His perfect side was being stabbed. His perfect feet that brought The Good News were being NAILED into a splintery wooden cross. and as He was being laughed at, spit on, mocked, abused, whipped, and nailed some more, He looked at the laughers, the spitters, the mockers, the abusers, the whippers, and the nailers and said

"I LOVE YOU."

don't give me crap about my Jesus. He wins. He always has. And He always will.