Temporary Strength.

My life seems to define the word "temporary" these days.

My job is "temporary" and will be over soon.
My time with my kiddos is "temporary".

My living situation is "temporary". One week I live in Raleigh, the next Wendell.

I am a completely Type A kind of girl. I have lists and plans and thrive on organized chaos. I hate not knowing where I'm going to be three paychecks from now. I hate not knowing what to do about my living situation come January.

Some days I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Some days I don't want to be a teacher for another minute. Even my decisions seem to be temporary!

Eden will only be a baby temporarily so I have to soak up her cuteness and her hugs and kisses as much as I can now.

My girls will only be in Raleigh temporarily because the next two years are going to fly by faster than the last two years did...and that makes my heart so heavy.

Everything is temporary.

And I am made for eternity.

Those two things don't exactly mix.

To move on to another tangent, the loneliness that is creeping into my soul is overwhelming.

I've said before that I don't have a best friend. I never have. I have lots of good friends, but I don't have that one person that I can call at any hours of the day, every day. Those girls that had that one friend in middle school that they spent every waking hour with...I used to make fun of them. I really did. I didn't get it. I liked knowing that I had A LOT of friends and not just one or two. A piece of me regrets not deeply investing now.

I sit in a room with eighty-eight children all day every day. I can only share a piece of myself with them. It would be wrong and unhealthy to find my identity in "being a teacher" because if that were true, then days like today--where they don't listen and don't care and are just all-out RUDE--would be the death of me. To have half conversations for almost five hours a day can wear out a soul. Especially when there is no one to help rejuvenate you.

You're probably wondering why I titled this post "Temporary Strength" if all I'm going to do is whine all night.

Well, people have always said that I'm a strong person. Some have said it for physical purposes, others for emotional, others for spiritual. I've always laughed because I don't see it. I see my flaws when I look introspectively. I see where I am lacking and what needs to be improved and I calculate how to do so.

It's hard. Every day.  The lack of genuine conversation. The lack of a true support group. The feeling of being the outsider or the third wheel.

I know I am blessed. I know I am supported. I know this...but knowing and feeling are two different things.

I am going to allow my lack of strength to take over for a moment, and I'm going to be weak and sink in humility for a second.

I need a support group to love me and encourage me. I need friends that love Jesus and can point me to Him. Friends that are present and in my life. And at a stage of life where my schedule is the exact opposite of everyone else's...that doesn't exist.
I need prayer so that I can desire and seek to be filled by Him instead of trying to find my identity elsewhere.
I need to accept that He made me this way and no other way because His plan is perfect.
I need to accept that I am doing what He wants me to do, and I need to renew the faith that this is where I am supposed to be...because my soul is longing for bigger and greater.
I need to find joy and not just contentment.
I need to remember that I am fighting the good fight and to not back down when outside forces tell me differently.
I need to remember that the right thing to do is never the easy thing to do.

...

...

...

I need to broken again because then He can fix it and put everything back together in the right place.

I know that sounds so weird and I know what I'm asking. It doesn't matter how many days come between me and my depression-filled months...those memories of that defeat and heartbreak are never far away.

But I also know that I can keep scraping the bottom of the barrel and always come up short...or I can be put together perfectly and let things work themselves out.

Any strength that I can find within myself with only last for a few moments. Strength that is built elsewhere will last a lifetime.

I am out of strength. Just add that to the list of the things that are temporary.

A Heavy Heart.

I am not a morning person. I never have been, I doubt I ever will be.

It amazes me daily that I was made to be in a profession that requires me to get out of bed before the sun. Most days I say that I'm up before Jesus, just to make a joke out of it.

One thing that I am thankful for with this early morning job is the sunrise. Every day I see the world begin anew. The birds are waking up and singing praises; the trees dust off yesterday's dew and seek the warmth of the sun; the grass is thankful for the bright sphere rising above it to wipe away the cleansing dew and begin a new day.

On Tuesday, I led my kiddos through the "Word Olympics". We had so much fun. There was paint, food coloring, water, jump ropes, digging for treasures...I had a blast. I walked away covered in dirt, water, sweat, and paint, but my kids had a blast and they learned so much. I didn't care that I was gross, because my children learned something new on Tuesday. I could see it in their eyes.

At the end of the school day on Tuesday, my principal stepped into my room with news that broke my heart.

When I took this position, I knew that there was slight chance that it would be a temporary position. Everyone assured me to not worry about that, there was no way that it would be temporary; I would be here until June.

This is not the case.

I will be leaving my kiddos in January.

I will be leaving the school that raised me, the teachers that formed me, the principal who guided me.

The children who are the reason that I get out of bed every morning between 4:30 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. will no longer be in my life in January.

This is a crappy reality to comprehend.

I have to leave the teachers who are mentors, the teachers who are friends, the staff who have become guiding lights through this insane process of first-year teaching.

This. Sucks.

As soon as I heard the news, that "little voice in the back of my head" said, "I've got you. Remember that I've got you." I am deeply struggling to listen to that voice right now.

This morning, as I'm sitting at my desk, typing this blog entry, the sun is coming up over the practice football field. There's dense line of oak trees on the opposite side of the field.These trees are glowing with the promise of a new day. The grass seems to be dancing in the wind, waking up to face the heat and the children. My children are starting to straggle into their seats as the tardy bell approaches. I see on their face that they are sleepy, but I also see in their eyes that they know they are here for a purpose: to learn and be educated.

It's my job to teach them and to educate them.

So as the light blue sky is being caressed by whispy white clouds, and the bright green trees are simply a silhouette to a beautiful morning sunrise, I will remember that my purpose is greater than my pain.

I will not be giving in to the bitterness and the defeat. I will continue to stand in front of my 87 children and tell them every day that they are loved, that they are important, that they are smart, and that they are kind.

I only have until January to teach them everything important in life. But every day, I have sunrise to remind me that mercy is new every morning, and that this position was God-breathed and He has me in the palm of His hand.

I Believe and I Worry.

I believe in praying big.
I believe that when I pray, I am speaking to a big God.
So big that He created the heavens and the earth.

I believe that He wants us to pray big.
I believe that He is kind and loving and gentle.
I believe He hears every word that I say. Every word that I say to Him or to others. I believe He knows every thought that goes through my head.

"Indeed, the very hairs on your head have been numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I believe that He pays attention to me so closely throughout the entire day that even as I shed my hair worse than my puppy does, He still can, at any moment, tell how many hairs I have on my head. He can also tell me how many hairs I have ever grown on my head. I believe He pays this close attention to me out of love, because He created me in love and I believe He will never stop loving me.

This summer He called me close to Him. He has pulled me to sit at His feet and listen. He has pulled me into His lap to learn to trust and to be comforted. He has put me in places where I am alone so that I only have Him to cry out to. This summer He has provided my every need in the moment where it has needed to be met.

When I was in a car accident in June, He provided friends who stepped up and gave me rides to work.
When I was in need of a car after mine was declared totaled, He provided multiple family members with willing hearts to share their vehicles with me so I could continue going to the doctor and going to work.
When I didn't know how I was going to buy groceries at the end of the spring semester, He provided a gift card to Target from a friend to commemorate graduation. It was just enough to buy a week's worth of food until my next paycheck.
When I needed rest more than anything else, He had already provided wonderful bosses who let me take time off after my wreck.
When I couldn't fully dress myself about my wreck due to injury-based physical limitations, He provided a mother and sister to help me.
When I needed time alone and someone to talk to, I always seemed to have an errand to run. An errand whose drive was just long enough for me to scream my unhappiness into "the void" and move on with my emotions before arriving to my destination. Even when "no one" was listening, it amazed me how much better I felt.
When I contracted pink eye, He provided wonderful parents to pay my bills and fill my prescriptions, even though I'm "on my own."
When I needed a full-time, grown-up job after graduation, He led a principal to call me, even though I hadn't applied for this particular position.
When I asked for outrageous things to be a part of this full-time, grown-up job, He gave me all of them, just because He loves me.
When I prayed for peace harder than my lungs pray for air, He took control of the situation, manuevered it out of my hands, and gave me a peace so chilling I questioned the state of my physical and mental health.

I truly believe that this summer was pieced together so that I would learn to trust in Him. This summer was the beginning of my adult life and I believe that it was used as the foundation of the rest of my life. When building a foundation, one needs to trust...to trust that the foundation will carry whatever weight is put on it for the remainder of the time that it is asked to stand. Trust that no matter what storm blows or activity proceeds, the foundation will continue to be strong.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I struggle with trust. I have seen trust broken more often than I have seen it kept. I have seen friends betray loved ones and I have seen promises dismissed. I have seen people forgotten.

And yet, there is this Savior, who asks me to get out of bed every day and remember Who He is. Remember how great He is. He asks me to believe and to trust that every day He will remember me. Every day He will love me. Every day He will cherish me. Every day He will guide me. Every day He will provide for me.

Every day, He keeps His promise.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."
Matthew 10:29

My biggest fear is that one day He will go back on His promise. My biggest fear is that one day He will forget me. My biggest fear is that one day He will let me fall to the ground. My biggest fear is that He will stop loving me.

But He hasn't broken a single promise in thousands of years.

Not only that, but He slaughtered His own Beloved Son to bring me to Him.
He turned away from His boy so that He could look on me.
He watched as His Son was torchured...
As His Son was whipped...
As His Son was chained....
As His Son was spat upon...
As His Son was dragged...
As His Son was mocked...
As His Son was crying out...
As His Son bled...
As His Son was pierced with nails...
As His Son hung dying...

so that He could look on me.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat. or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than the birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He cloth you--you of little faith!"
Luke 12:22-28

While the Lord is showing me His favor daily, I continue to worry. I worry that He will forget me. I worry that I will go hungry. I worry that someone may not like me. I worry about there not being enough hours in the day. I worry about being able to properly educate my students. I worry about paying my bills because they're due before the check comes.

I worry, and the Lord laughs.
I worry, and the Lord waits for me to finish freaking out.
I worry, and the Lord shakes His head with a smile on His face.
I worry, and He replies...

"Rebekah, allow Me to love you."

My prayer through this entire summer has been, "I am expecting You to show up. I am expecting You to fix this. No Sir, this is not a request."

Here I am again. Sitting at His feet. Pleading into His eyes to love me, comfort me, hold me, provide for me, show me how big He is, show me how mighty He is, show me how beautiful He is, show me how deeply He loves me, show me how true He is.

"Lord, I'm expecting You to show up."

Let's see how He does it this time...

Face.

I came home the other night wearing a very sad face.

It had been a bad day at work, and I wanted the world to know it, so I wore it on my face.

However, when I came home, I came home to this face

And also to this face

Which made me put on my happy face.

Then Ava Michelle and I put on our men faces and changed the face of the mantle.

These two picture faces were hung without a tape measure, but with a ball of yarn, a hammer, and some screwdrivers.

Then we hung some more picture faces

Go Wolfpack!

This clock face is now hanging in our hallway face.

Don't worry, Ava Michelle got it on clearance, 75% off.

Ha.

Then we changed the face of our dining room.

Thanks Kara for this wonderful print! I love your face!

While Ava Michelle and I were changing our apartment's face, we came across this face.

I am now wearing my "grossed-out" face.

After we wore our men faces, a bunch of other faces showed up at our apartment face.

Gordo came over and didn't like me capturing his face.

Then this face came home. She's a crazy face.

So Alecia and Gordo combined their faces to give me one picture face.

Pretty soon after, this face came walking in our back door.

I have missed this face. Nick went home to Yankee Land, and now he's back in the South Land, and I'm wearing my happy girl face.

He was greeted by a lot of screaming girl faces.

Alecia then said to Ava Michelle, "I'm gonna kiss your face."

I then told the apartment that I was going to go to sleep.

And Nick gave me this face.

And I went to bed with a smile on my face.

Puzzle Pieces

I stopped by my next door neighbor's house last night before heading back to Raleigh to my apartment. We discussed life and a bit of this and that, nothing too heavy.

Somehow, the fact that I cook for my Bible Study girls every week was dropped into the conversation. My next door neighbor thought that was a sweet thing to do...until she heard I cook for thirty grown-ups every week like it's nothing.

To me, it isn't a big deal. Just double, triple, or quadruple the recipe and then serve.

I love cooking for people. It allows me to know that my girls are eating their vegetables. It also is a fun way for me to serve others and love people, because let's face it, few college kids actually cook...Ramen noodles, spaghetti, and Lean Cuisines are a big part of our diets.

While I was talking with my neighbor, she said something that I've been processing ever since:

"Reba, what is the Lord going to do with that? I mean, most people can't do that. Much less, love doing it."

So true. This sentence is so true. I love how the Lord made so many different people. I love that none of us are the same. I love that He takes the time to craft His children and come up with billions and billions and billions of different fingerprints.

As I have been thinking about this statement, it makes me do a bit of a happy dance about my future. I am already seeing so much of my personality come out as I prep for my first teaching job. Yes, you read that right. Looks like I'll be using my degree after all. This girl got herself a teaching job.

Well, actually, this girl didn't do anything...The Lord gave this girl a teaching job, and she's so excited about it, she can't sleep.

But cooking for 30 people isn't a skill that can be truly utilized as a teacher. I've incorporated singing, tap dancing, creative writing, bad cartwheels, laughter, and many other things into being a teacher. But what about the other little things that I love?

A friend of mine once told me about her parents and how they were/are complete opposites but they've made almost 30 years of marriage work. Her parents talk about how they've seen different pieces of their personalities work together while they've been married. For instance, her dad is an incredibly compassionate and nurturing man which really was needed while her mother was (successfully!) fighting cancer. Her mother was also afraid of marriage before they got together because she didn't want to be tied down and have someone looking over her shoulder all the time. She needed to be independent. Because her husband travels four days out of the week with this business, she got to be independent and still live her life!

It's stories like this that make me excitedly anxious for the future. I can't wait to watch as each piece of the puzzle comes together. As each love and passion in my life gets used for the greater good.

1. It's almost midnight, and I am cooking.

2. I love bow tie pasta. I think it's sassy. Just when I thought it couldn't get any sassier, I found colored veggie pasta. Hello sass-to-the-max.

3. This is my puppy. I love her.

4. I watched this movie last night. I don't think I stopped laughing during the whole entire thing. I would recommend it, on one condition: you don't have a problem with cursing. They're a Southern family who praise Jesus in one syllable and in the next they're using a four letter word.

5. I found an old cross-stitching pattern in my closet and I'm working on it currently. I hope to hang it in my apartment next year.

6. I decorated my graduation cap. Those are my initials in the middle and around it I have the following written: Sullivan Girls Bible Study, Clearwater Beach Summer Project 2008, Lebanon Dream Team 2010, and then three of my favorite Bible verses.

7. This is my niece. She's not allowed to date until she's married. And I will be setting her up with an arranged marriage.

8. These are my parents when they were my age. They were high school sweethearts. It's gross and incredibly cute at the same time.

9. These are the most uncomfortable shoes in the world. I'm currently wearing them almost every day as I head out to job interviews and meeting principals for a hopeful job next year.

10. I don't like uneven lists but I couldn't find another picture to share a sentence about. So I'm just writing jibber-jabber.

Happy Tuesday...well, now it's Wednesday.

The Golden Rule.

I'm sure you all have heard it.

"Do unto others as you would have them do to you."

It's something that I live by.

People often ask me "Why do you do everything that you do?" i.e. cook dinner for 15 people every week, love your girls as hard as you do, drop by unannounced with cookies, drop by unannounced with just a hug, etc.

The answer is simple: I do what I would want someone else to do for me.

I love getting snail mail, so I try to write at least one letter to someone every month. I love cookies, so I bake them and just drop them off at people's houses. I wish someone would make me dinner, so I do it for others.

I want someone to take care of me, so I take care of others.

Some people call it karma...I call it The Golden Rule.

Yesterday, I was blessed by a big stroke of The Golden Rule.

Let me take a few steps back: One of my good friends, Kimberly (who is also one of the four I'll be living with next year), stopped by my place Tuesday night with some exciting news: she got in to the grad school program that she wanted to, as well as the summer internship that she wanted. We squealed a bit, jumped up and down a bit, hugged a bit, you know, general girl merriment festivities.

After we had settled down, she looked me square in the eye and said, "You look exhausted."

Folks, I was exhausted. I've been working between 40 and 50 hours the past few weeks plus other various activities. I could have easily curled up in bed at that moment and not woken up for at least a day.

Kimberly gave me a hug and some encouragement, but then showed herself out the door so that I could go upstairs to (finally) go to sleep.

Yesterday, I went to work. To say the least, it was a bad day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just couldn't snap out of the mood. After my shift ended, I got back in the car and drove home, grouchy and moody the whole way home. I was having 15 people over for dinner and I hadn't started cooking yet. The whole time home I was just thinking...I wish someone would cook dinner for me. Why doesn't anyone ever do anything nice for me?

Seriously...I was groooooouuchy.

I got home and plopped in front of the television for an hour before I decided to start cooking.

I headed upstairs...and near 'bout had a stroke.

My room was clean.

My entire room was clean. Straighted, vacuummed, dusted...genuinely cleaned!

I certainly hadn't done it.

The last time I checked my room looked like this:

Yeah, I know it's bad. I take care of others, but I really don't take care of myself. Feel free to judge.

But I feel like you should know exactly what this little cleaning fairy was getting herself into.

She may hate me for ratting her out, but the world needs to know just how good she really is.

Kimberly had talked with my roommate and come over and cleaned up my room while I was at work.

The ironic part about all of this is about 5 minutes before I headed upstairs I hit rock bottom in my selfish, grouchy mood and decided to share it with the universe on Twitter.

"The only thing I really want in my life is for someone to take care of me."

Oh Rebekah, if only you knew...

Well, give yourself about 38 seconds and you did.

I also would like to point out that Kimberly left a note for me explaining where she put everything. I love that the first line expresses how well she knows me.

Kimberly literally gave me the gift of time. I was able to take a nap yesterday, and I was able to enjoy being with the people that I had over for dinner because I wasn't thinking about the thousands of other things I needed to be doing at that moment. I got to go to sleep last night and not lie away worrying about when my to-do list was going to get done. I was able to pack for my adventure this weekend and not stress. I love coming home to clean house, but I knew it wasn't going to get done this time, and it really bothered me. She gave me peace of mind, time, sleep, and so much joy!

Kimberly, you are straight up, the best friend a girl could ask for. I love that I can come to you with anything and you accept me, love me, listen to me, rebuke me, advise me, and still at the end of it all, cherish me and our friendship. I am so excited to live with you next year so that I can serve you and beside you. I have loved getting to know you and becoming friends with you and watching you grow in the Lord and just as a person these past few years.

 

Words will never express how appreciative I am of our friendship. Not just for this extreme act of kindness, but also because you truly make me a better person. I love, love, love you.

Breakdown Impending...

I have started this thing called "Wednesday Night Dinners" with a group of my closest friends.

It's pretty simple. I cook a big meal, and about twenty people come over and devour said meal, and leave me with lots of dishes to do. Well, "leave me" isn't exactly the correct term since every time they try to do something, I end up yelling at them to get out of my kitchen. Oh well, I still blame them.

Tonight, we had a Wednesday Night Dinner just like any other Wednesday night. I've never seen that many people in an apartment before. Whew! Well, Barn Party Project Pancakes may have it all beat, but who knows...

As a bunch of us were standing around outside, delaying the inevitable getting-in-the-car-driving-away-to-go-home-and-study-for-our-last-exam(s)-EVER, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I may never been in the same close area with these amazing people ever again. At least not all at the same time.

This heartbreak is different from the ones with my girls. My girls are stuck with me for life. So are my grandgirls and my great-grandgirls. These people have molded me into this person. They have prayed for me when I've asked and even times where I haven't had to ask. They showed me that good community doesn't just exist on Summer Projects, but also in real life. We spent every single weekend together my junior year and they emotionally and financially sent me to Lebanon the following summer.

As we were standing around, Kimberly pulled all of the girls into one big group hug. I stood there praying, with my arms around some of the greatest loves of my life, that my girls would know a joy such as this. That this moment could happen again and again. That I would know love like this again. That miles only separated our physical beings but never our hearts and our prayers.


I don't know how many people actually read this thing and I don't know who you are...but if you have made up my heart and life over the last few years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for loving me so much that I don't want to graduate.
Thank you for allowing me to love you.
Thank you for eating my cookies, pasta, chicken, and pancakes and always giving my ego a boost when you clean your plate.
Thank you for allowing me to call you "mine".
Thank you for putting up with insanity and my drama and my mood swings and my sass.
Thank you for praying for me.
Thank you for allowing me to pray for you.
Thank you for sharing your time with me.
Thank you for sharing your life with me.
Thank you for sharing your hearts with me.
Thank you for this amazing adventure that I get to call 'college'.
Thank you for...

for...

everything.

I truly don't take it lightly.

15 Page Paper.

I have a 15 page paper due in about 48 hours.


I currently have my name typed out.


I've done ltos of research and my thesis is written...I just can't write the darn paper.


I sit down to do it and get distracted.


I distract myself on purpose and all I can think is "15 pages....15 pages......15 pages........"
(yes, i know i didn't just use those ellipses correctly. get over it)


It's bad.

Help me.


Please.

Some lists.

Here is the list from all of the things standing between me and graduation...

1. 22 days.
2. 7 classes. (which also equals 8 hours and 45 minutes)
3. 1 response paper.
4. 2 finals.
5. 2 final papers.
6. 1 book to be read.
7. 2 homework assignments.
8. 1 presentation.

If that isn't the "home stretch" I don't know what is.

I found this on StumbleUpon last night. If you don't know what StumbleUpon is, I implore you to never figure out. It's wonderful, and fabulous, and more time-consuming than Facebook.
But I digress, I found this and I love it. I do believe this is my real to-do list as well.

The Little Things.

I'm all about big things.

I love big jewelry. I love being a part of a large family. I have a large selection of friends. I believe in celebrating in big ways...etc, etc, etc.

However, I'm noticing how it's the little things that make me smile these days.


Like when the boy I babysit for tells me that he wants to practice his cursive and write me a note...and hands me this.

Or the way that Lil E smiles when someone she loves walks into the room.

Or the way that my girls get sad when I talk about graduation. It lets me know they like me.

It's a good life, this life of mine.

Purposeless? I think not.

I had a minor pity party for myself this morning. I would like to talk to you about it.

This is The Dream Team.

We spent last summer in Lebanon together. I love these people a lot, a lot, a lot. They pray for me and hold me accountable more so than anyone else in my life.

Today I learned that Nasry is going to STINT in Lebanon this coming year. As excited I am for him, it kind of struck a nerve with me... What am I doing with my life?

Jonathan and Miranda just had twins and are settling into a new life in the States. Drew is marrying Greyson and joining staff full-time. Ashlee is working her way to move to Argentina for 3-5 years. Jordan is waiting for graduate school to figure itself out. Kim is heading back to Lebanon for 3-5 years and Nasry is going for at least a year. Ashley is looking for jobs in DC and is in a serious relationship with Marcus. Todd and Erin are getting married and hopefully moving to California so Todd can go to seminary. Dylan is getting married to Christina and finishing up school at UNC-W.

But where does that leave me?

I've been wrestling with the idea of not having a plan. My Type A personality is absolutely freaking out about not knowing where my life is going. There's lots of ideas (ie, loving orphans in Uganda, teaching English in Central or South America, getting a teaching job here, moving to Knoxville, writing a book), but no plan. I have a job lined up for this summer and there's a chance they might would want to keep me on post-summer, but who knows?

My sweet friend Haley asked me the other day what my plans were long-term. Most of my plans include the next two or three years, tops, but she wanted past that. Somewhere along the way I want to be a mom. Correction, I will be a mom. Be it a foster mom, or adoptive mom, or the Lord sees fit to torchure some man into being chained to me for the rest of his life and I am blessed with offspring...being a mom is in the picture.

I meant every word of that statement, but I retracted it a few moments later.

"I want to love," I said. "Love. That is my long-term goal. I don't know what it will look like...whether I love my students, or I love my children, or I write a book and love girls through words, or maybe I just move in Mattie and Lauren's basement and be Crazy Aunt Reba, I don't know. I'm just gonna love."

So love isn't a path. But at least it gives me purpose.

I went to Jimmy John's for lunch today and as I was sitting there eating my sub and doing my devotional for the day, it hit me.


Being aimless is not the same thing as being purposeless.


I've lived life without a purpose before. It sucked.

I have an end goal. I don't know what the path will look like to get there, but I know where I want to end up.

Love is the greatest thing that one can do with one's life. Loving without shame or fear or reservations is a feat to be acknowledged and praised. Few have truly done it. My girls' Bible Study this week is on loving beyond reason. In her book, Strong Women Soft Hearts, Paula Rinehart talks about how love can be used to destroy, but that isn't true love. True love does just the opposite.

"Love anything, C. S. Lewis said, and your heart will surely be wrung. You would think that usch bending and stretching--such suffering-- would do you in, like an ice pick that chipped away until nothing was left. But risky love works by an inverse principle. Our hearts become larger in the process. The more we love, the more we are able to love. We are not depleted, but strangely replenished. Set free. Given more. As the psalmist says, 'I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge my heart.'" (148)

I have lost love in the romantic sense. I have lost love in the friendship sense. I have lost love in the familial sense. However, I have gained everything through love in the agape sense.

Mrs. Rinehart also tells the story of a friend whose husband passed away from cancer. She writes about how her friend could have easily pulled away from the marriage emotionally when he was diagnosed to save herself more grief and pain later. But her friend didn't do that, her friend dove into the marriage and loved with everything she had. After her husband had passed, Mrs. Rinehart's friend said, " I think that love breeds life, and although [my husband] is gone, the love we shared so enriched my life. without a doubt, it as worth it. I would do it all again." (143)

I have been hurt tremendously by lost love. Whether that loss was because the dear one drew their final breath, or because one of us moved away, or because we decided to go our separate ways. But for all of it, I would do it all again. Actually, I would probably love even harder than I did, than I do now, because I would know how precious each of those moments are.

I don't know where I'm going from here. But I do pray that I end up right where I want to be: so far in love that I can barely see straight.

Kind of like I am here...

So to all of you that may be asking me, "What are your plans for next year?" prepare yourself for the answer of: love.

"Not all those who wander are lost." J. R. R. Tolkien



Alive!

I am alive! Barely, but I'm still breathing.

My soul is refreshed after this wonderful long weekend. It was the exact nourishment that I needed in order to keep pushing through school for the next seven weeks. I have a few pictures to share later--I was not as picture diligent as I now wish I was--and lots of stories!

A brief run-down of what you get to look forward to...

I climbed a mountain.

I surprised three of my favorite people.

I sat on a front porch swing and heard all about my sisters' lives.

I ate lots of good food.

I explored three different cities.

I never will understand how to cross time zones.

I saw lots of family members.

It was a good weekend.

If you have had a conversation with me over the past month, I have probably had a smile on my face, but the things I said probably weren't encouraging.

After this weekend, a friend texted me and asked how I was doing. My response

"I am happier than I have been in weeks. I'm physically exhausted but I am emotionally, spiritually, and mentally refreshed. Thank God for true love and family."

I can't wait to share my stories.

These past few weeks have been crazy! I haven't had the opportunity to sleep much, and my heart has been heavy for a good number of my friends who have been hurting.

Through all of this, I have been trying to remember where my security is placed.

My security and my comfort are not located here on earth, but up in Heaven with my Savior.

My route to work involves going on the edge of campus on Pullen Rd. Therefore, I see the bell tower every Tuesday and Thursday on my way to work.

As I was driving yesterday, I snapped this picture.

Isn't it amazing?

The sky is so blue and it just looks so peaceful!

It was a beautiful reminder of where my hope lies. It is obviously not here.

In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:21-22

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

Let the morning bring me news of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my soul.

Psalm 143:8

Jesus Moments at Lake J.

I would like for the record to show that it is February 27th, and it is SEVENTY-NINE DEGREES OUTSIDE. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

I decided it was too gorgeous to stay inside, so after a beautiful lunch with my Haley at Neomonde, a fantastic Lebanese restaurant across from Meredith College, I grabbed the puppy and went for a walk.

We walked from my house to Lake Johnson. I could not stop basking in the glory of the day! The sky was the perfect color blue, it was perfectly warm outside and the sun was out!

When Milley and I got to Lake Johnson, we went down the water to let her splash around a bit. She decided she would rather lay in the pinestraw in the shade, so we did for a few minutes. I had my iPod in and was listening to Hillsong United, praising my Jesus in my heart for His goodness. While Milley and I were resting, this little girl, I would say about 8, came up and said something to me. Having my iPod in, I had to ask her to repeat it.

"May I have permission to love your puppy, please?" her little voice squeaked.

"Absolutely, sugar! She loves people. Her name is Milley," I replied.

Sweet Little Girl began to rub Milley and talk about how good she was, how gentle she was, how kind she was.

"She's so soft!" Sweet Little Girl squealed. "Can my brother pet her?"

"Of course."

"Stay here, please. I am going to go get him."

Sweet Little Girl comes back, holding her brother's hand, once again talking about how nice Milley is. "She won't bite you, she's gentle. She loves people!"

Sweet Little Girl and Her Brother stay for a few more minutes rubbing on Milley. In the mean time, a couple of other children come up and begin to love my puppy. Milley was in heaven.

As all good things tend to do, the Milley-love-fest ended and the children went back to playing. Milley and I stood up and headed towards the road so we could make the 1.4 mile trip back to the apartment.

While we were walking, it hit me. That little episode with this little girl and Milley is the perfect representation of my Jesus...



We walk up to Him, not knowing why we are drawn to Him, we just know that we are. Timidly we ask if we may sit down beside Him and be His friend. Because He loves us so much and His attention is always on us, He never has to ask us to repeat this request; He is listening for it all the time. Those are the words He most wants to hear.

He invites us to sit down with Him and stay awhile. We soon realize that He is loving, and gentle, and good, and kind, and sweet. We've never met anyone like this before and we want to bring out friends to meet Him too.

"Stay please! Stay where I can find you again!" we plead. Smiling, He stays, wanting nothing more than to have us close to Him again.

We bring friends to Him, knowing that He will be kind to them too. Soon our friends realize all of the wonderful attributes of Him that we have. As we sit there and love him, more and more people see this and come to be apart of it. He just sits there, soaking up every minute of this love and attention.

Milley and I were walking back to the house and I realized that about a block from our house, someone had let a fire hydrant run wild. Water was going everywhere. You could see it, smell it, hear it...it was everywhere. I knew the exact moment that Milley realized that we were walking into this scenario. She perked up and started walking really fast and determined. She was going to lap up some of that water and nothing could stop her. When we got to the intersection of the rapids, she looked around, looking for the perfect spot for her drinking. When she found it, she shot across the road and settled herself in for a drink. She's an old dog, but she's determined.

Once again, I was reminded of my Jesus.


When we get a glimpse of His majesty, we want more. When we get a wiff of His scent, we want to breathe it in. When we see a piece of Him, we want all of it. That desire for Him never goes away. We run as fast as we can so we can be in His arms as soon as we can. When we are finally there in His arms, we do cartwheels, we swim in them, we cannot contain our joy because it is everything we have ever wanted.

John 4:10 "Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that sks you for a drink, you would hav easked him and he would have given you living water.'"
Revelation 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; 'he will lead them to springs of living water.' 'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'"

John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

I have tasted this Living Water and I have been satisfied. I am satisfied daily by a Savior who is sustaining me, even though most days I feel like th eworld is falling out from underneath. He is good and His mercies endure forever.

Just Some Thoughts.

It might be too late for me to be thinking like this. It is probably too late for me to be expressing these thoughts. But I've been thinking about this for a few days now and I figured I would put these thoughts into the universe.


When you look at the numbers of how many people have walked across the face of this earth, and then you look at the numbers of the people who dropped it all and followed Him, those numbers are so small.


I turned down an opportunity to go overseas next year about a week ago. I just knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. I was talking to a friend about it and one of the reasons that I gave for saying no was that they were asking me to sacrifice too much. These sacrifices were things like the Sanderson Extravaganza Lake Week. Nothing too big, but pieces of my life that I really enjoy being there.


I was thinking today, "What if He asked me to drop it all and follow Him?" What would I do? What would I say? What would I try and negotiate?


What if He asked me to not watch Eden grow up?
What if He asked me to not see my brother graduate from high school?
What if He asked me to not go to another midnight premiere with Spencer Lynne or Shirley?
What if He asked me to never eat Bojangles or drink Diet Coke again?
What if He asked me to not see my Kelsey walk down the aisle and marry the love of her life?
What if He asked me to never see any of my girls marry the loves of their lives?
What if He asked me to not watch my sister walk down the aisle?
What if He asked me to never hug any of my Project sisters again? Or Hannah Nana? Or Mattie?
What if He asked me to never hug any of my girls again?
What if He asked me to live without air conditioning and have no books other than the Bible?
What if He asked me to never get married?
What if He asked me to not have biological children?
What if He asked me to hug Nina goodbye and never hear her laugh again?
What if He asked me to never share another holiday with my beautiful family?
What if He asked me to cry into a lonely pillow, to have no community to wipe my tears?


I've faced the idea of leaving and not coming back. I reconciled that idea. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. What if He asked me to get on a plane and never come back?


But Lord, You don't understand, I'm Eden's favorite. She needs me.
No, she doesn't.


But Lord, You don't understand, I need to be in those pictures.
No, you don't.


But Lord, You don't understand, those hugs are the reason that my soul is still breathing.
No, they aren't.


But Lord, I need to get married. I want children. This is something that my life will be incomplete without.
No, it won't.


But Lord, my family is everything. If something happened to me, it would tear them apart.
No, it wouldn't.


"Who of you by worrying can add a single minute to their life?" Matthew 6:27
"Anyone who loves his father or mother--wife, children, brothers, sisters--yes, even his own life, is not worthy of Me. He cannot be my disciple." Matthew 10:37
"Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." Genesis 12:1-3
"Then He said to them all: 'Whoever want to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'" Luke 9:23


People that follow a "gospel" that says, "Love the Lord and He will give you lots of money and no harm will ever come your way"...I don't know what Bible you're reading. Above are four verses from my Bible. Four verse that have been playing over and over and over again in my brain as I seek out what to do for next year, and the rest of my life. Hearing words like "leave your family," "deny yourself," "do not love your father and mother" isn't fun. But those are the words from the mouth of my Savior and my King of kings.

I have told some people in my life that I don't think I'm strong enough to hear things like, "I'm ashamed of you." or "I have never been more disappointed in anyone." or "This is the most selfish thing you will ever do." or "The only thing I will be doing at your funeral is saying 'I told you so.'" again. Yes, I said again. I've told God the same thing. His response?


"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9


One day I'm going to have to answer to Him. I don't want to say, "Yeah...I know you told me to do this and love that person, but they don't have Bojangles in Iran. I had a problem with that." I really don't want to see my Father's reaction to that statement.


This is where I am now. These are things that I'm thinking. This is what I'm struggling with.


I know it's Monday and those are deep things, but these are the types of questions that are going to define my life. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.

My Life, in Cute, Short, Dialogue Stories.

Over the past week, I have slept very little, done homework a lot, cooked a bit less than that, and laughed really hard...and loved (almost) every minute of it.

My life has a lot of people in it. I like it that way. I hope it never changes.

I thought I would share some cute dialogues that I have have with these people over the past few days.

Story #1:

Me: "I don't believe people when they tell me I'm 'beautiful'. I feel like "beautiful" is such an overused word. I just, don't believe it..."

Bible Study Girl: "Is it the same as you not believing my request for some ice cream?"

*proceeds to spread her hand across my kitchen table, where in fact, I have not placed a bowl of ice cream.*

Story #2:

Scenario: I'm sitting on my couch, quite tired. One of my girls comes in and jumps on me...

Bible Study Girl: "You know I love you right?"

Me: "What did you break?"

Bible Study Girl: "That's not fair!"

Me: "I beg your pardon." *pause* "What mess do I need to clean up?"

Bible Study Girl: "Is that seriously what you think of me?"

Me: "You know not! Are you hungry?"

Bible Study Girl: "BINGO! Will you make me a quesadilla?"

And they tell me I don't know them...

Story #3:

Scenario: Sitting around with my girls after dinner, but still before Bible Study.

Bible Study Girl: "That was probably one of the best meals I've ever had."

Me: "I'm glad you liked it. It was really easy to make."

Bible Study Girl: "Could I get the recipe?"

Me: "Sure. First you take two cans of marinara sauce..."
Bible Study Girl: "Oh. My bad. When I said, 'Could I get the recipe?' I really meant, 'Could you make a big pot of this and just bring it to my house?'"

Why do I get the feeling that I'm just a walking robot wearing an apron with a spatula in hand?