Just Some Thoughts.

It might be too late for me to be thinking like this. It is probably too late for me to be expressing these thoughts. But I've been thinking about this for a few days now and I figured I would put these thoughts into the universe.


When you look at the numbers of how many people have walked across the face of this earth, and then you look at the numbers of the people who dropped it all and followed Him, those numbers are so small.


I turned down an opportunity to go overseas next year about a week ago. I just knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. I was talking to a friend about it and one of the reasons that I gave for saying no was that they were asking me to sacrifice too much. These sacrifices were things like the Sanderson Extravaganza Lake Week. Nothing too big, but pieces of my life that I really enjoy being there.


I was thinking today, "What if He asked me to drop it all and follow Him?" What would I do? What would I say? What would I try and negotiate?


What if He asked me to not watch Eden grow up?
What if He asked me to not see my brother graduate from high school?
What if He asked me to not go to another midnight premiere with Spencer Lynne or Shirley?
What if He asked me to never eat Bojangles or drink Diet Coke again?
What if He asked me to not see my Kelsey walk down the aisle and marry the love of her life?
What if He asked me to never see any of my girls marry the loves of their lives?
What if He asked me to not watch my sister walk down the aisle?
What if He asked me to never hug any of my Project sisters again? Or Hannah Nana? Or Mattie?
What if He asked me to never hug any of my girls again?
What if He asked me to live without air conditioning and have no books other than the Bible?
What if He asked me to never get married?
What if He asked me to not have biological children?
What if He asked me to hug Nina goodbye and never hear her laugh again?
What if He asked me to never share another holiday with my beautiful family?
What if He asked me to cry into a lonely pillow, to have no community to wipe my tears?


I've faced the idea of leaving and not coming back. I reconciled that idea. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. What if He asked me to get on a plane and never come back?


But Lord, You don't understand, I'm Eden's favorite. She needs me.
No, she doesn't.


But Lord, You don't understand, I need to be in those pictures.
No, you don't.


But Lord, You don't understand, those hugs are the reason that my soul is still breathing.
No, they aren't.


But Lord, I need to get married. I want children. This is something that my life will be incomplete without.
No, it won't.


But Lord, my family is everything. If something happened to me, it would tear them apart.
No, it wouldn't.


"Who of you by worrying can add a single minute to their life?" Matthew 6:27
"Anyone who loves his father or mother--wife, children, brothers, sisters--yes, even his own life, is not worthy of Me. He cannot be my disciple." Matthew 10:37
"Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." Genesis 12:1-3
"Then He said to them all: 'Whoever want to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'" Luke 9:23


People that follow a "gospel" that says, "Love the Lord and He will give you lots of money and no harm will ever come your way"...I don't know what Bible you're reading. Above are four verses from my Bible. Four verse that have been playing over and over and over again in my brain as I seek out what to do for next year, and the rest of my life. Hearing words like "leave your family," "deny yourself," "do not love your father and mother" isn't fun. But those are the words from the mouth of my Savior and my King of kings.

I have told some people in my life that I don't think I'm strong enough to hear things like, "I'm ashamed of you." or "I have never been more disappointed in anyone." or "This is the most selfish thing you will ever do." or "The only thing I will be doing at your funeral is saying 'I told you so.'" again. Yes, I said again. I've told God the same thing. His response?


"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9


One day I'm going to have to answer to Him. I don't want to say, "Yeah...I know you told me to do this and love that person, but they don't have Bojangles in Iran. I had a problem with that." I really don't want to see my Father's reaction to that statement.


This is where I am now. These are things that I'm thinking. This is what I'm struggling with.


I know it's Monday and those are deep things, but these are the types of questions that are going to define my life. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.