Sunday, September 11, 2011

I Believe and I Worry.

I believe in praying big.
I believe that when I pray, I am speaking to a big God.
So big that He created the heavens and the earth.

I believe that He wants us to pray big.
I believe that He is kind and loving and gentle.
I believe He hears every word that I say. Every word that I say to Him or to others. I believe He knows every thought that goes through my head.

"Indeed, the very hairs on your head have been numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I believe that He pays attention to me so closely throughout the entire day that even as I shed my hair worse than my puppy does, He still can, at any moment, tell how many hairs I have on my head. He can also tell me how many hairs I have ever grown on my head. I believe He pays this close attention to me out of love, because He created me in love and I believe He will never stop loving me.

This summer He called me close to Him. He has pulled me to sit at His feet and listen. He has pulled me into His lap to learn to trust and to be comforted. He has put me in places where I am alone so that I only have Him to cry out to. This summer He has provided my every need in the moment where it has needed to be met.

When I was in a car accident in June, He provided friends who stepped up and gave me rides to work.
When I was in need of a car after mine was declared totaled, He provided multiple family members with willing hearts to share their vehicles with me so I could continue going to the doctor and going to work.
When I didn't know how I was going to buy groceries at the end of the spring semester, He provided a gift card to Target from a friend to commemorate graduation. It was just enough to buy a week's worth of food until my next paycheck.
When I needed rest more than anything else, He had already provided wonderful bosses who let me take time off after my wreck.
When I couldn't fully dress myself about my wreck due to injury-based physical limitations, He provided a mother and sister to help me.
When I needed time alone and someone to talk to, I always seemed to have an errand to run. An errand whose drive was just long enough for me to scream my unhappiness into "the void" and move on with my emotions before arriving to my destination. Even when "no one" was listening, it amazed me how much better I felt.
When I contracted pink eye, He provided wonderful parents to pay my bills and fill my prescriptions, even though I'm "on my own."
When I needed a full-time, grown-up job after graduation, He led a principal to call me, even though I hadn't applied for this particular position.
When I asked for outrageous things to be a part of this full-time, grown-up job, He gave me all of them, just because He loves me.
When I prayed for peace harder than my lungs pray for air, He took control of the situation, manuevered it out of my hands, and gave me a peace so chilling I questioned the state of my physical and mental health.

I truly believe that this summer was pieced together so that I would learn to trust in Him. This summer was the beginning of my adult life and I believe that it was used as the foundation of the rest of my life. When building a foundation, one needs to trust that the foundation will carry whatever weight is put on it for the remainder of the time that it is asked to stand. Trust that no matter what storm blows or activity proceeds, the foundation will continue to be strong.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I struggle with trust. I have seen trust broken more often than I have seen it kept. I have seen friends betray loved ones and I have seen promises dismissed. I have seen people forgotten.

And yet, there is this Savior, who asks me to get out of bed every day and remember Who He is. Remember how great He is. He asks me to believe and to trust that every day He will remember me. Every day He will love me. Every day He will cherish me. Every day He will guide me. Every day He will provide for me.

Every day, He keeps His promise.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."
Matthew 10:29

My biggest fear is that one day He will go back on His promise. My biggest fear is that one day He will forget me. My biggest fear is that one day He will let me fall to the ground. My biggest fear is that He will stop loving me.

But He hasn't broken a single promise in thousands of years.

Not only that, but He slaughtered His own Beloved Son to bring me to Him.
He turned away from His boy so that He could look on me.
He watched as His Son was torchured...
As His Son was whipped...
As His Son was chained....
As His Son was spat upon...
As His Son was dragged...
As His Son was mocked...
As His Son was crying out...
As His Son bled...
As His Son was pierced with nails...
As His Son hung dying...

so that He could look on me.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat. or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than the birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He cloth you--you of little faith!"
Luke 12:22-28

While the Lord is showing me His favor daily, I continue to worry. I worry that He will forget me. I worry that I will go hungry. I worry that someone may not like me. I worry about there not being enough hours in the day. I worry about being able to properly educate my students. I worry about paying my bills because they're due before the check comes.

I worry, and the Lord laughs.
I worry, and the Lord waits for me to finish freaking out.
I worry, and the Lord shakes His head with a smile on His face.
I worry, and He replies...

"Rebekah, allow Me to love you."

My prayer through this entire summer has been, "I am expecting You to show up. I am expecting You to fix this. No Sir, this is not a request."

Here I am again. Sitting at His feet. Pleading into His eyes to love me, comfort me, hold me, provide for me, show me how big He is, show me how mighty He is, show me how beautiful He is, show me how deeply He loves me, show me how true He is.

"Lord, I'm expecting You to show up."

Let's see how He does it this time...