i'm giving in.

it's time for healing time to move on

it's time to fix what's been broken too long

time to make right what has been wrong

it's time to find my way to where i belong

there's a wave that's crashing over me

all i can do is surrender.

(chorus)

whatever You're doing inside of me

it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

it's hard to surrender to what i can't see

but i'm giving in to something heavenly

time for a milestone

time to begin again

revaluate who i really am

am i doing everything to follow Your will

or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

so show me what it is You want from me

i give everything to surrender

(chorus)

time to face up

clean this old house

time to breate in and let everything out

that i've wanted to say for so many years

time to release all my held back tears

whatever You're doing inside of me

it feels like choas but i believe

You're up to something bigger than me

larger than life, something heavenly

thank you pandora for once again bringing a song into my life that changes my perspective. this song describes my life right now. i know that there's something going on within me, i know that there's something so much bigger than me about to erupt in my life. but thanks be to God that He is in control and not me. as much as i've been fighting it, i'm finally letting go of my control over my summer. there's been too many times that it all could have been taken away and it all could have crumbled but it hasn't, i'm still on this path. and i'm really excited about it.

there aren't words

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God.

Hebrews 12:2-3

Today alone, I received almost $500 worth of support. On a day that started out rather discouraging, and which wasn't improved by the rain or my midterm, Jesus showed His face in life and I could not be more thankful. While I'm on this journey that is a major worry on my brain almost every day, I can either allow Jesus to swallow me in grace and peace, or allow the world to do so with frustration, worry, and defeat. I pray, I pray, I pray that the first prevails.

drop it all and follow Him.

ooookay. after days of some depressing blogs, it's time for me to be happy again.
i love Jesus. i do. i love how He has everything all planned out for our good and how just simply awesome He is.

allow me to show you the awesomeness of today.
i woke up in the same "blah" attitude that i've had for a few days now. never fun.
through some miscommunication i didn't go to my first class today (surprise, surprise) and slept in a few extra hours. woke up eventually and showered and headed to my 1:30. this class is probably on the bottom of my priorities list, and i just don't like it. i go because he takes attendance. that's it. but moving on...

we got out of my literacy class a few minutes early, so i went ahead over to talley to meet with michelle edwards. on the way, i ran into two rather fabulous friends of mine: caleb durham and another guy. after i got my hugs, caleb told me that he had found my blog and almost cried a bit for me when he read my rather depressing recent entries. my other friend then spoke up and mentioned that he had some books and resources that might help me on my adventures to lebanon this summer. those boys were so kind and encouraging and they absolutely brightened my day times a billion. eventually caleb had to run to class but my other friend and i kept talking about Jesus and just how amazing He is. his words and reassurances meant so much to me and helped me refocus that none of this is about me and God is so much bigger than I am and that He's in control and not me.

i then went to discipleship with michelle edwards and we got some talley ice cream (aka the world's BEST ice cream) and then went and sat on a bench in the sunshine. i went through some of my stresses recently and after she let me get it out of my system, she then gave me the task of "listing things i could thank God for today." she mentioned that she knew that i always tried to praise God, but thanking Him and praising Him can easily become two different things. i began to say a few things, but had to really really think about the last few. it honestly took me about 10 minutes to come up with 5 or 6 things. that is so ridiculous! i have an amazing life. an absolutely amazing one. i have the freedom to go on ridiculous adventures; i am getting a wonderful education at an amazing university; i am the very very proud aunt of one of the world's most beautiful baby girls; i have 26 of the world's most beautiful, compassionate, and kind bible study girls; i am involved in a beautiful bible study myself with a wonderful support group; my brother and sister love me more than i can understand, and i them; my parents both love Jesus and so does the rest of my family; my Project family is the best group of people that i know. it should NOT take me 10 minutes to think of things to thank my Jesus for. that activity kind of brought me back to reality about what my life actually is about than the sob story that i have been making it recently.

i soon left and came back to my apartment to find my wonderful roommates thoroughly cleaning our kitchen. my heart was all aflutter to see them doing this small act of kindness and service so that i could just concentrate on school (and blog posting) tonight. the smallest things mean so much to me.
i then got on my computer and found an email from one of the staff people from lebanon. this email contained the names and emails of the rest of my project for this summer. i spent the next hour facebook stalking them and it was such a relief to my heart. all of the things that i have been praying for were true (these were later confirmed by my project director, but more on that later).
1. there will only be 8-10 students on the trip (the EXACT numbers i've been praying for)
2. currently, there are 4 girls coming, and there was never any mention of another girl applying (i have been praying for an even number of girls...the number 4 has come up once or twice in my prayers as well :)!!)
3. there's more than 3 guys coming--currently there's 4, but that number might grow to 5. (i've been praying for an even number of guys and girls or more guys than girls)
4. we're all juniors and seniors (due to maturity levels and current walks with Jesus i knew this would be best).
God is so good and I was so blessed to find that His ideas match mine.

i also had a wonderful and encouraging conversation with my andrea. she's one of my new girls and has been a blessing to my heart from the minute i saw her. i just love knowing that even though i've only known her a few weeks, she's already comfortable with me and i can already see the Lord working in our lives together.

about thirty minutes later, a knock comes from my front door (people...don't knock. just walk in. no one knocks at my house and it kinda freaks me out when someone does). it was a wonderful friend of mine that informed me that she had been praying for my adventures and that she had some support she wanted to give. she had told me recently that she had some financial stuff coming up and i was really only expecting a few dollars from her. oh man! she shot that theory down!!! with her donation and my other letters today, i received $220 today which puts me over $800 and very very close to my support goal of $1000 by Friday!!

about thirty minutes after my dear friend left, my project director called me and we talked for almost an hour. i got alot of questions cleared up and i just got to know her better. my philosophy on life (especially after Clearwater) is vulnerability is best; honesty is great. if you don't speak up, nothing changes. no one grows and no one benefits. am i honest all the time and do i let the world know my every thought? no, but i do what i think i should. she also has this policy of honesty and vulnerability and i found a great connection between the two of us which made me so excited for this summer! she was so encouraging and was a great voice of reason in my life that i've been needing for about a week.

when i got off the phone with my project director, i headed over to the Campus Outreach weekly meeting. i had never been to one before, but in order to follow up with a girl who wasn't emailing me back, i decided to go to one. not only did i get to talk to my girl, but i saw a few other old friends (and met new ones!) and was so encouraged by the message!
One of the key passages for the message was Genesis 12:1-4.

1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your land, your people, and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great and you will be a blessing. 3 I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will also curse and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." 4 So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; Lot set out with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran.

Okaayyy. Can we please talk about how this is my life?! As I have said many, many times, Lebanon was NOT my idea. It was completely Jesus'. But this is exactly what God has been telling me to do.
"Leave your land (aka Raleigh, America), your people (your Wolfpackers--Lebanon is not NCSU's partnership--your baby girls, your first project family), and your father's household (my family) to go to the land I will show you (He told me Lebanon)."
God didn't tell Abram to "pack up and go to this single place and follow these instructions: a,b,c,d,e,f, so on and so forth." He just said "get up and go." So Abram did. And we all know that's not what i've been doing. i've been complaining, i've been kicking and screaming, i've been unhappy. sure, i've applied. sure, i've been raising support. sure, i haven't withdrawn my application. but we all know my joy has NOT been coming from the Lord and i have not been willing. i am in no way saying that i have completely changed and will be happy all the time about Lebanon now, but God certainly did some smacking upside the head. what i am saying is that i am going to go to sleep with a smile on my face and wake up happy in a few hours for the first time in a while.

and one more joyous thing, just for the road: my next post will more than likely come from CLEARWATER BEACH, FLORIDA and the NORTH SUNRISE RESORT AND HOTEL!!!

sometimes i cry.

yes, it's true. i cry. sometimes it's just tears welling up. sometimes it's me screaming and throwing things and being a completely and utterly and certifiable lunatic. today, i cried about 4 times. it was just one of those days.

cry #1. i was laying in the fake-n-bake for the first time ever, and i realized that i had just wasted an hour of my life waiting in line to sit here and burn. i was stressed out and couldn't stop going over my to-do list in my head. and although "fake-n-bake" was on said to-do list, it was taking too much time and wasn't as significant as other things on the list.

cry #2. i was driving back from dinner with my sister and my madre. although it was a mostly good dinner, my mom asked a lot of intense questions about lebanon that i didn't want to answer. my only response was, "call my director" or "i have faith." which, in truth, i don't have a lot of. i have just enough to keep me from throwing in the towel right now. she was asking me a lot of negative questions (well, in my mind negative--not encouraging to say the least) about the political climate and things like that. all i want her to do is say, "i'm proud of you for following Jesus." that's all i want her to say. but instead, she wants information. i completely understand why, but at the same time, i'm completely riding on faith here, and would like her to do the same.
as i said in yesterday's post. THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA. this was God's ridiculous idea. and i have enough faith to know that whatever He is crazy enough to bring me to, He's strong enough to bring me through. my mind goes in circles of "worst case scenarios" all day long, but in the end, i know that i'm doing exactly what i am supposed to be doing. unfortunately, i can't get my mom completely and totally 100% on board with me, and it was frustrating. hence, cry #2.
cry #2 then continued when i went to my mailbox today to find $150 of support waiting for me. that number grew to $200 soon after when an envelope was waiting for me on my desk later. although there aren't words to describe my excitement at more people taking a chance on Jesus and helping me out, but a small part of me was hoping that after my freakout yesterday, i was going to find $1000 waiting for me in that mailbox. but there wasn't. and it was a bit disheartening. i should know better than to try to be manipulative with my freakouts, but i was hoping to trick the universe into lots of money out of my freak out yesterday.

cry #3. after a very convicting bible study, three of my baby girls came and sat in my room. my amanda is the most excited person on the planet about my adventures to lebanon, having been there herself and having a true heart for the middle east. my kaitlyn is trusting Jesus to raise $2500 for her to go to Ohio this summer on Summer Project; we share the same financial burdens and discouraging adult voices in our current life. my ashley is just beautiful. we don't see each other enough during the week so the past few weeks she's been sticking around after bible study just so we can spend 15 minutes together.
my amanda brought her laptop full of pictures of lebanon for us to go over and discuss so she can show me where God is going to grow me this summer. while going over the pictures, we discussed the current political climate and what that could potentially mean for me. it stressed me out more just thinking about it and my kaitlyn was displeased as well (my ashley might have been too, but she didn't talk alot about it). we eventually moved to a list that i'm making of mailing addresses of my contacts for my kaitlyn to send to given that she has no church family of her own. she protested a bit at the beginning but i insisted that my people loved me enough to love her and help her out.
eventually, we somehow got on the roll that i rarely sleep. and i mentioned that i take a sleeping pill every night because starting about a year ago, i stopped being able to turn my brain off and could really never sleep. my amanda asked what did i think about...and for one of the few times in the last three and half semesters, i let my baby girls hear what truly goes on inside my head.
i talked about how i think about the $6000 i need for lebanon. i talked about how i need to spend more time with them, but can't because of school. i talked about how i have a list of 18 girls that need to be followed up with but i can't because i have to do school. i talked about how i'm going to campus outreach tomorrow in order to hopefully meet at least one more girl so i can be down to 17. i talked about how i might have to quit my job to go to lebanon. about how i have to do summer school after lebanon. which starts the day after lebanon. i talked about how even if i can work, they aren't going to like me every much because i can only work part time for 5 weeks because of school but then need the rest of the year off because of vegas/leaders retreat/student teaching. i talked about how i sat in one of my classes today talking about student teaching and got insanely stressed out. i talked about how i have barely had time for my regularly coming girls because of outreach with new girls and how guilty and horrible i feel about that. i mentioned how thinking about one of them makes me think about all of them and how much i love them and worry about them. this truly is a vicious cycle of my life. this is what i sit in class all day thinking about. this is how my brain works.

then, my darling, beautiful, adventurous, loving, compassionate baby kaitlyn sat on my floor and started to cry. like, legitimately, started. to. cry. not small tears. not just welling up. but fo'real crying. she started off into a similar ramble of how so many people have told her that summer project is a horrible idea and she'll never raise the money and how then i come up with this list of potential ministry partners and how when she thinks about summer project she now thinks about me getting kidnapped or something horrible happening to my hannah (who is going to argentina). she starts talking about how she would listen to my stories about clearwater and think that that was exactly the sort of stories that she wanted, but no one believed her until she told me and now i'm working so hard to make it a reality for her. she started talking about all of the emails i send and how much i love them and how much i want for them to love jesus and how even though i'm overwhelmed, she never would have known if i hadn't said anything because i just don't tell her those stories. and she was talking about how she knows that the $15,000 my bible study is trusting Jesus to bring in for summer projects this summer is going to become a reality because i prayed for it.

she ended with this:

"the moral of the story is...thanks."

i cried. i only cried a little bit in front of her, but the minute she left, i cried a lot. she doesn't need to thank me. i do this because i love her more than words. i want her to go to ohio more than i want to go to lebanon. i cried because i am so completely selfish and everything i do for these girls is because i want to make sure i know i love them. and maybe in return they'll love me. i cried because for some crazy reason, that beautiful woman of Jesus has a little bit of faith in me. i cried because i have been so self-centered with school lately, that i forgot to go to Jesus and spend time with Him. but this precious baby girl of mine has been talking to Jesus a bunch and she has more faith than i do. maybe not in herself, but for some reason, in me. but i have faith in her. and i have faith in Jesus for him to work miracles through her.

the reason that i'm raising support right now is to go to lebanon. that reason might change and it might be for me to give it all to my baby kaitlyn so she can have her own adventures. right now, i'm not sure of the final reason. i know that i am supposed to be raising support, without question. but i've been questioning a lot, unfortunately. i can't say that's going to stop, because i'm human and i enjoy being in control and flipping out when i'm not. but i know that i'm doing what i'm supposed to, and the moral of the story is...i'm going to be content doing just that.

i woke up unhappy today.

I ran into one of my favorite people in the entire world today, Kara Forester. She is honestly one of the most encouraging human beings that I know and I am blessed every time that I can get to be in her presence. She was telling me as we were walking back to the Coliseum Parking Deck that when she woke up, her room was glowing from so much sunshine, she could hear the birds chirping and she knew it was going to be a good day. Consequently, she has been so happy and smiling all day.

As I got into my car, I realized that my story was not the same as hers. I did not wake up with a smile on my face. Although the sun was shining and I could probably hear birds if I had stopped to listen, but I hadn't and I certainly hadn't made an effort to smile.

Okay. I can already tell that this is going to be an entry where I complain alot and then end with "but it's okay because i know that I love Jesus and He loves me and that's all that matters." So brace yourself.

I went to lunch with my sister where she proceeded to tell me that she's dating her ex again. The one that I so affectionately call, "Scum Bag." Feel free to draw your own conclusions about my feelings towards her "new" relationship.
While walking to my next class with my sister, I apparently forgot how to walk up stairs in Rainbows, and face planted on the steps next to Riddick. Ouch. My shins are currently swollen and bruises and I think I might have a stone bruise on my elbow.
I went to my Literacy in the US class and that was fun. No complaints there.
I went to my advisor's office to sign up for advising for this upcoming semester and saw him and the guy he shares his office with, Dr. Miller. Dr. Miller is a Christian who really loves Jesus and consequently really loves his students. He was rather disappointed that I didn't sit and talk a while with him, but it's always nice to know that someone loves you. So thanks Dr. Miller :)
I ran into Kara and she so wonderfully brought sunshine into my life.
I headed from there to attempt to tan. I've never fake-n-baked before, but I'm going to CLEARWATER for Spring Break with Allison Tart and I know that every year I always BURRRRNNN the first time I'm out in the sun. Since this is true, I'm going to fake-n-bake-n-BURN this week so I can enjoy the sunshine next week in Florida :) But, the line was too long and I had to make it to tutoring.
I went to tutoring and the first thirty-ish minutes were great. I taught one of the girls how to do some math stuff with graphs and coordinates and I felt so proud and accomplished. But then she had to leave and there was nothing for me to do. Because of the sunshine, the kids did their homework and then ran home to play. I was hoping to get 2 hours in, but only got 1. Now I have 14 hours of tutoring left to do...and a month to do it in. Oh boy.
I then left and attempted to tan again...but the chart was full and I couldn't do it. Grr. Couldn't just one thing go my way?
Well, I went to the mailbox to see if I had any support letters...and there was one. Don't get me wrong, one is better than zero, but I have $1000 due by Friday and as of now, I only have $410.

Going off of that... I feel so...so...I feel defeated. That's a good word. Although I have $590 left to do by the end of this week, I still have much more after that. It was never my idea to go to Lebanon, it was only God's, but I'm the one that gets yelled at by adults for running off to an unsafe country. I'm the one that has to worry about where this money is going to come from. I'm the one that has to write letters and buy stamps and write thank you cards when for just once...I just want a normal day. I know that God told me to do this, but I just know how it's going to work out. I hate being trapped in a plane for more than 8/9 hours...and the flight is 14 to Lebanon. Not including layovers. I might have to quit my job in order to go to Lebanon. And then I have no idea what I'm going to do for the last few weeks of summer and how I'm going to afford life until August/September. There's just so much to do and I don't know if I want to do it all. Today just wasn't a happy day. But I told myself that I was going to fix the mistake of not journaling enough from Clearwater this go-'round with Lebanon, and one day I hope to look back and say, "Oh Rebekah. God raised more than you needed...far more. Why did you ever worry, silly?" So that's what today is: a silly day to hopefully look back on one day with amusement and confidence in Jesus.

my first support check!

money is always a concern in my life. it is probably the biggest stronghold i give satan when it comes to my complete trust in Jesus. it was probably the biggest excuse i gave when trying to talk my way out of lebanon.

but, because Jesus is amazing, i have been able to send out almost all of my support checks. only about 60 or so more to do this weekend. and, because Jesus is also faithful, a friend of mine slipped an envelope in my pocket last night at Crusade.

along with the most encouraging note i've read in my life was a $100 check. i stood in reynold's and cried. some part of me deep down didn't believe that i was really going to do this. that it was really going to be a possibility for me to ship off across the mediterranean and love Jesus in another country, but i started that journey last night. now, if only i could get about 60 or so more checks like that...then i'd really be set :)

i'm still attempting to be patient and attempting to trust in the Lord that He really does want this for me. oh, and i'm still an aunt :)

I'M AN AUNT!!!

I'M AN AUNT!!!

Eden Caroline Hopkins was born on Monday, March 1, 2010. Although she is about 5 weeks premature, she is completely healthy. She was born at 3 lbs, 12 oz and is just as beautiful as can be :)

As soon as I learn to post pictures to this thing, I'll see if I can help y'all out a bit.

I haven't met her yet since she's in the ICU (not due to health problems--just a precaution because of the premature birth) but I'm hoping for Monday!

Yay! I'm an aunt!

Oh. And although I've talked about Eden's arrival for forever, I have felt recently as if I have had to explain this to everyone: Eden is Hannah's baby. Hannah is my older cousin on my mom's side. Due to the age difference between Eden and myself, and also because of the expected amount of involvement I will have in her life, and the fact that Hannah is an only child, I'm Aunt Rebekah. That is just too fun to say :)