90DoOD: Dancing Monkeys

There is currently a pile of dirty dishes in my sink that I haven't touched since Tuesday. Those were created because a co-worker of mine decided she wanted to cook in my kitchen and then the two of us pop open a bottle of wine and we have a sleepover. I know for a fact that zero of my windows have been cleaned since I moved in my house and I'm sure that's a true statement for some baseboards and door frames as well.

When my family was announcing our Thanksgiving Day plans, I put them on my calendar and I never questioned them. After I ate my fill of dressing and dumplins (each of my grandmothers' respective Thanksgiving delicacies), I returned to my Cute Little House and curled up with the book of the moment and had a peaceful evening.

I like this life, this life of mine; it's a good one.

While I was reading said book, the narrator switched over to the wife of the main character and she was analyzing her relationship in contrast to the relationships of her two best friends and their husbands. She and her two friends had met at a bar in Soho for cocktail hour and by the end of it, the two husbands had shown up to pay their respects, but not hers.

After receiving pitiful glances from the four pairs of eyes looking across at her, she begins a monologue about the dancing monkeys.

The dancing monkeys are the men whose women make them prove their love on a daily basis: do this chore; don't wear that, wear this instead; show up to cocktail hour so I can show you off to my friends; make sacrifices for the life that I want.

Before the specific list was given, the wife referenced "the pointless tasks, myriad sacrifices, the endless small surrenders" that women make men do to prove their love. I found myself making a note in the margin -- English major, remember? Don't judge too quickly, please -- saying: "What does it say about my life that I don't know what these are?"

Have my "semi-serious" relationships, as I like to call them, not been as serious as I thought they were because I hadn't encountered them? Am I too selfish a person to realize that I've done these in the past? Was I too independent in my relationship to ever ask/expect a man to do anything for me, much less prove his love?

The wife continues on explaining how she doesn't make a dancing monkey out of her husband. She, instead, greets him enthusiastically when they both get home from their respective outings (cocktail hour for her, impromptu poker night for him) and they both talk about their days. They speak of the dancing monkeys they encountered separately -- the husbands who would have paid to be anywhere but cocktail hour, the boyfriend who wanted to play poker but whose girlfriend desperately needed him to make an appearance at her dinner with friends -- and giggle, tongue-in-cheek, at those relationships.

The wife later sighs in the fact that her husband isn't more of a dancing monkey. Their relationship is a tough one to figure out: I'm not sure if she wants a dancing monkey, or if she wants him to want to be a dancing monkey, or if that was a sigh of relief that she doesn't have a dancing monkey for a husband.

I don't think I want a dancing monkey. Is that a bad thing?

Yes, I want a guy whom I can introduce to my friends and who will pick up my favorite bottle of wine because he wants to. Yes, I believe that couples should split the household chores and to show a bit of respect for the other's busy schedule, maybe even pick up one or two of the chores not on their personal list. Does this mean my boyfriend/husband is "whipped" or that he respects me?

I associate the term "whipped" or "dancing monkey" with a robot of some sort, a being who can't think for themselves. I think of the guy in my future as a respectful gentleman who finds pride in making me smile and in making my day.

Where I'm getting confused here is what makes the two different? The man's intention behind it? My expectation for it?

I cook asparagus and broccoli on a weekly basis. I'm beyond snobbish about what kind of pasta goes with each dish I make. I only vacuum when company comes over.

If I started cooking asparagus and broccoli on alternating weeks, does that mean I'm respecting his opinion, or chiseling away at my personality and my wants in order for someone else to take over?  If I vacuum once a week because I want him to take pride in my home and the home that we will build together, am I single-handedly taking the feminist movement one gigantic step backwards?

I've been surrounded by enough good and healthy and long-lasting relationships in my life to be 98% sure of the answer. The problem is that the 2% left over is currently very strong and making me question a few things.

If I have to have a passive man in order to have one who takes pleasure in my smile, then I don't want it. If I have to nag in order to feel appreciated, I'll keep my weekly broccoli and asparagus. If I can't watch football loudly because he wants me to be seen and not heard, my windows will go on being dirty without anyone saying a blessed word. I have will sleepovers with friends during the week, I'll read books on Thanksgiving, I will spend every Christmas morning with my parents, and I will book a flight to South Korea to see my aunt and uncle and tell the travel agent, "Yes, ma'am, one ticket. Just one."

When did respect and kindness leave our society and become something to poke and joke about? When did sacrificing oneself for the good of the whole make someone an idiot or less of a human being? When did settling become something not only permitted, but advocated for?

This journey through online dating was supposed to be something fun. It was supposed to be light and breezy and full of interesting conversations that would lead to stories I would tell my girlfriends about during our own cocktail hour. I've noticed how it's made me go political on many levels. Maybe it's because I'm "meeting" people who aren't in my normal social circle. Maybe it's because I've had to defend my ideals more than once. Regardless of the reason, I'm not sorry for it and I'm certainly not apologizing for it either.

As we wrap up our turkey and we move on from a time of gratitude into the most selfish season of the year, I'm going to be thankful for just a moment longer: thankful for parents who love each other. Thankful for parents who will never stop loving each other. Thankful for grandparents who always have and always will love each other and show their grandchildren just how worth it is to never, ever settle. Thankful that I'm blessed enough to have the knowledge of true love in my mind, heart, and soul.

90 Days of Online Dating: The Tale of Two Guys.

I have had the opportunity to be emailing back and forth with two guys for the past two days.

Guy #1 lives in Charlotte, about a three-hour drive from me. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I don't do long-distance relationships. There has to be something there worth fighting for in order to get me to agree to that. I've done it before; we had been dating for about two months when he moved across state lines for a summer internship. I knew he was coming back and social media made communication easier. The whole thing ended soon after he returned, but I am thankful for an experience that taught me so much.

This guy, however, doesn't stand a chance at getting me to agree to something long-distance.

His profile says that our religious views are completely different, he thinks it would be a great social experiment for a Democrat to date a Republican, he lives three hours away, and he's already mentioned "hooking up." But I have to give him this: he's a persistent little booger.

Every time I say "no, thanks, but thanks anyway," he returns the email with another reason why he thinks we would be good together.

"We both want to get married one day!" "Think of all of the philosophical discussions we could have with our opposing viewpoints!" "I've always wanted to date a teacher -- I had a thing or two for most of my teachers in high school."

That last one is the edited version of what he sent, but it still get the creepy effect across.

I usually look forward to my phone beeping with an alert from my dating website app, but not recently. Bless his heart.

--------------------------

Guy #2 actually had some potential...until he opened his mouth.

His pictures have him surrounded by friends on different adventures without a beer can in sight. I don't mind drinking responsibly, but I think there is a typically-true stereotype that goes along with guys who post pictures of themselves getting schwasted.

His profile says he loves Jesus, is a civil engineer, has traveled to a few countries besides his own, and loves the Wolfpack.

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

Or not.

He sent me a message asking what I was doing for this Thanksgiving holiday. We shared a few emails back and forth about our respective Thanksgiving plans and then he asked me what brought me to the dating site.

My go-to answer is that I work too much and my hours are different from the rest of the grown-up world's, so this is just easier and more efficient for a finding a guy.

"Yeah, I'm kind of a workaholic. I love my job, so it's hard to say no when they want to give me overtime. But this cuts out the bar scene. This also means that I don't have time for a relationship so just dating and maybe a little fun."

(Grammar and spelling edited for your pleasure and comfort.)

I'm all about dating: free meal, interesting conversation, expanding the pool of people I know. But "a little fun" in this context is not up my alley.

Again, bless his heart. He was so close.

90DoOD: Question 5

So it continues: lots of emails from people that I can't date. Or won't date. Or just...say no thank you to.

Consequently, Question 5 is on the blog today.

I know you're thinking, "Uh, Reba, you forget Question 4...."

Yes. I'm aware. I'll come back to it, I swear.

Question 5: Favorite movie of all time? Why so?

Picking favorites isn't easy for me. Without a doubt, the only favorites I truly know are

My favorite person in history: Jesus.
My favorite color: purple.
My favorite college: North Carolina State University.

Any other favorites...I just don't know.

However, I will bend my must-please-everybody brain and pick out a winner.



You've Got Mail.

Have you seen it? If not, you should.

It came out in 1998, right at the beginning of the internet's takeover of the world. AOL was all the rage and the words "You've Got Mail" had a whole new meaning. I was only nine years old at the time, so it was a few years until I watched it, but, I swear to you, it was love at first viewing.

The film tells of Kathleen Kelly, who owns a children's bookstore in New York. It is a small but profitable labor of love -- until Foxbooks, a mega-chain of super-sized bookstores, begins building across the street. Joe Fox, an executive with the family-owned firm, is directly responsible for this particular branch. Kathleen despises Joe and everything he seems to stand for. The future of her very livelihood is in doubt. When Kathleen and Joe are not working, they are logged onto their respective computers, where they've each met a wonderful friend. No one else has shared-or is even aware of-their intimate, anonymous electronic conversations that begin with the magic words "you've got mail." --IMDB

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The film is loosely based on Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  When I found this out, it took the movie to a whole new level. I've always loved reading and books, even when I was a kid and it wasn't cool. The fact that someone could take a piece of literature, put a modern spin on it, and then market it to the masses for the world to drool over fascinated me.

A few reasons why this wins as my favorite movie:

1. Kathleen has gumption. I love female characters who tell it like it is while still being a lady. She is a successful career woman with a close group of friends. She stands up for what she believes in and fights for what she wants. I love that she has an open heart and a soul of steel.

2. The central setting is a bookstore in New York City. I have had an unending love affair with NYC my whole life -- the city that never sleeps, where stars are born and dreams come to life. And it's a bookstore. Need I say more?

3. Watching it now in 2013, the screech of the dial-up internet makes my heart very, very happy.

4. I love the evolution of the love story. I'm a romantic at heart and to see the tumultuous, volatile relationship ebb and flow into happily ever after... *sigh*

 "You've Got Mail" is my go-to movie for a sick day. Or a rainy day in need of warm blankets and hot chocolate.

I'm pretty sure I've just talked myself into putting this on the calendar over Thanksgiving break.

90DoOD: The Whole World, Please.

Some may call me a prude, but I prefer the word old-fashioned. My parents raised me the right way and I live in such a way that I have no regrets. I consider my own bed a very sacred area that houses my sweet dreams and warm blankets. I view other people's bed as somewhere I don't belong -- that's their space.

When other people don't feel the same, it kind of shocks me.

Some guys and the things they're willing to say just shocks me, too.

I received a message last week from this guy. We sent a few messages back and forth. He has a steady job that he likes, he's educated, and he has a brother. These things I know. I don't recall his name, though.

He works and lives about 45 minutes outside of Raleigh and he told me that I shouldn't worry about doing a long-distance kind of thing because he's in Raleigh all the time. I kind of rolled my eyes at his presumptuousness that I would even give him a chance. But, then again, I guess confidence is good-looking on a guy.

He messaged me while on his way to Raleigh for a business conference. He said that he was having to entertain clients all day but he would be open to entertaining a date that night. I did a little crooked smile at the idea of having a drink or two with a guy.

Not three messages later, I stopped smiling.

"I just got to my hotel. Damn, this is too big for one person. You should come keep me company."

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.

This guy was nice, y'all. He seemed to have a good family and I thought he had decent raising. He could carry on a conversation and he allegedly loved sushi and said he would compromise on what movies to watch. He was kinda cute and he had this witty sense of humor that made me giggle.

What homeboy doesn't have is a clue.

It is my personal belief that women have been watered down to be just a few things: easy, shallow, make-up wearing, cosmopolitan drinking Top Guns with a mouth like a sailor. We're supposed to be that all while wearing stilettos.

Um, no.

Women are absolutely allowed to be those things. That's our choice. But that's not what we're made for. We're made to be strong and to be talented. We're made to be smart and to be multi-taskers who take on the day without fear.

The need to compare ourselves to one another has robbed us, slowly but surely, of our identities and our credit scores. We, as a society, are so buried in debt and that we can't laugh at the days to come because we're so busy making that next dollar to rob Peter to pay Paul. We're counting calories, not because we want to be healthy, but because we need to be skinniest woman in the bar to pick up a man. Excuse me, a male.

Women are made to want security. We are made to crave the care and attention it takes for us to feel secure and wanted. We've abandoned true security and taken on pseudo security: if I can feel good for one minute, that will get me through a rough patch. Once I break up with this guy, I can find another one and he'll make me feel pretty.

Sorry, people. That's not what I'm looking for. I want the real thing. I want the be-all end-all that I've watched growing up. I want to be dancing on the screened-in porch when I'm 70. I want to make-out in the kitchen and make my kids get really grossed out. I want to have a guy bring me lunch at work and learn all of my teammates' names.

I had this vision when I started this experience that I would eventually go on a date with a guy from this whole shenanigan. I would be super excited and giddy about it and I would probably buy a new outfit. You would wait by your computer screens the next day, waiting for the full re-cap on a blog post. I would tell you about the awkward jokes he made and how I spilled something.

I still want that. I think I'll always want that.

But that isn't going to stop me from wanting more.

Sorry, homeboy. Your bed is going to stay too big for one person. Until you have the whole world to offer me, I want nothing to do with your sheets.

90DoOD: Questions 2 & 3

A few weeks ago, I posted eHarmony's fifteen best questions to ask on a first date. I gave my answer to the first one, as well.

Since online dating is currently boring, for lack of a better word, I figured now was as good of a time as any to do questions two and three!

Question 2: What sorts of things really make you laugh?

I laugh at almost anything. Just because I'm laughing doesn't mean that I'm having a good time. I could just as easily be uncomfortable or on the verge of tears. Laughing is my escape from all other emotions.

I think the things that really make me laugh are real life stories. Lord knows I have my fair share of interesting life stories, and connecting with someone in that way is good for my soul.

Question 3: What's your favorite place in the entire world?

I have many of these. They have changed as my life has changed and I have adventured more over this world. Beirut, Lebanon and Clearwater Beach, Florida will always be in my Top 5, but those places are just the containers of the love that I have -- the people that shared love with me in those places are what truly matters. North Carolina State University campus is also, most definitely, in that Top 5. Both of my grandparents' houses round out the Top 5.

However, I think that my favorite place in the world is a bit more abstract than an address.

My favorite place would be the lake house where my dad's side of the family spends a week out of every summer together. The actual lake house that has housed all of us has changed from year to year, mind you, but the idea of all coming together is what gets me really excited. We laugh, play, swim, read, sleep, and tan for one entire week, Saturday to Saturday, every summer. This is the week that all of the cousins and aunts and uncles work the hardest to be together. Now that my generation is older and we have real life jobs and that sort of thing, it's getting harder. I think it was Christmas of 2012 the last time that all eleven of us were in the same room together.

I love that we have all of these memories together. Tell any of my cousins that Aunt Sheri is cooking tacos and the groan of sudden hunger will shock you. Or that Aunt Beth Ann has decided to cook something other than chicken and rice -- that protest could be heard across state lines. If you call for a game of cards, move out of the way: the pitter patter of feet is about to get louder as we all charge up the stairs to pick the best partner.

I grew up in a fairyland surrounded by people who love me more than words can express. The lake house is the castle of the fairyland.

90 Days of Online Dating: Making Your Profile

Okay, gentlemen. If you're thinking about creating a profile or if you have one that you need to tweak, allow me to give out my two cents for you.

About Me: 

1. Always, always, always be honest. There is no need to overshare, but don't lie about your age, your current employment, your height, your weight, or your hobbies. Just because you read two books in high school does not mean that you love reading. Roadtripping to the beach every Fourth of July doesn't make you an avid traveler. Renting the same beach house every year doesn't mean that you "have" a beach house. It's a sentimental ownership and it doesn't count. Sorry.

2. Speak positively about your life. Even if you currently hate your job and are looking to transition, that's something you can hit her with on the third date. Keep things upbeat and cheery. You're more likely to meet an upbeat and cheery girl.

3. If you can't play more than two songs on a guitar, you can't play the instrument. Don't try to impress her.

Your Pictures:

1. Going along with the above number three, if you can't play the guitar, take down the picture of you holding your frat brother's guitar at the New Year's Eve party last year. It'll give girls the wrong impression and you'll just break her heart.

2. Only post a picture of your dog if you're in the picture.

3. Always post a picture of your dog if you have one -- girls are attracted to cute, cuddly things.

4. When selecting pictures, put your main profile picture as one of just you. Let the girl be able to see your face. The second picture can be of you from a bit of a distance to show off your physique. Then you can post the puppy pictures and the Boys Weekend at the Beach pictures (but nothing too embarrassing!). 

5. Girls are wired with some kind of predisposition to guys who have some height on them. Even if you're 6'2", don't post the picture of you standing next to your freakishly-tall 6'8" friend. Girls automatically assume that Guy #2 is of normal height and that you've fibbed a bit about your height on your profile.

6. When picking out your profile pictures, talk to a trusted female friend and have her pick out her three favorite Facebook pictures of you. The pictures you post say a lot about you, have a girl help you get a girl. We all kind of think alike.

7. Don't post selfies, mirror pics, or pictures with your shirt off. Have some class. Don't be twelve.

8. Actually, here's a great rule: if you can Google a picture with Miley Cyrus or Lady Gaga doing the same pose or wearing the same thing, don't post that picture. Unless you're doing it ironically, and make sure that people know you're doing it ironically.

9. 90% of your pictures should be from the past ten months.

What You're Looking For:

1. I would suggest that even if it's an option (because it is), don't list the size of the female that you're looking for. Just because a girl is "slender" doesn't mean that she feels that way about herself. Because of one word on your profile, she's now insecure about herself and about how you would feel about her and she's not going to message you. We're weird. We know. Just leave it as "no preference."

2. I'm going to give you a piece of advice that my AP Psychology teacher once gave to my class my senior year: The mediocre-looking girls have the best personalities. The ones that peaked in high school never had to learn how to do anything because they had boobs already. The other girls have learned to be funny and keep you entertained. Just because a girl's waist size isn't what you thought you wanted, don't exclude her. Just sayin. If she's a 6 on the Hotness Scale, give her an email anyways. You just never know.

3. Say something about what you're looking for in her personality.

Here's what mine says: "My ideal man is taller than me, can make me laugh, listens, smiles at me from across the room when he walks in, likes my cooking, is incredibly sarcastic, likes to hold my hand, makes the plans, knows the difference between "your" and "you're", can hold a conversation, and doesn't mind me talking about my very large, incredibly amazing family."

Getting Her to Message You:

Ask some questions on your profile. Give her a starting point. There is nothing more annoying than receiving an email that just says "hey." Without the period, of course. Actually, I think "hey your gorgeous" is worse. 

Give the girl a prompt or two so she can have a starting point that will be the cornerstone of the story you two get to tell as you're living happily ever after.

Good luck, men!

90DoOD: Carsen.

Day: I forget. I'll recount later.

Current Mood: Perplexed.

Recent Online Activity: About two weeks ago, a guy named Carsen emailed me. He stated that based on our respective profiles, he didn't think that we would be a match, but he wanted to email me anyways. Apparently he works with a bunch of transplanted Yankees (preaching to the choir on that one!) and wanted someone with whom to talk ACC football. Despite the fact that my Wolfpack is currently breaking my heart, they're still my Wolfpack.

Carsen and I exchanged a few emails and he seemed like a decent guy.

He eventually got my number and we've been texting.

While I was at the Duke game last weekend, he was texting me through almost every other play. It was nice to have someone on the red side while I was surrounded by that other color.

Carsen is constantly reminding me that he isn't interested in having a relationship with me (and I agree that it wouldn't work), yet he has called me every night this week as soon as he's gotten off of work. On Tuesday, I was answering all of his questions with one word answers. I had had an off day and I was also cooking supper while I was on the phone. After the third or fourth "yep" he said, "Okay, what's wrong? Tell me everything. I can tell you're in a mood."

I tried to shrug it off and move the conversation on, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

I talked it all out and he listened. He encouraged me after I word-vomited and then we talked about his day.

This happened -- minus the crappy mood on my end -- again Wednesday and Thursday night.

Call me crazy but I'm seeing a pattern here.

He calls on his way home from work, we talk about our days, we tell each other tomorrow will be better, we get excited over each other's weekend plans, and then we hang up. Thirty seconds after the hang up, he texts me something goofy to make me laugh. Right before lunch he sends me a text "just to make me smile" and that launches into a lunchtime text session.

I know this pattern because it was the same one that I had with both of my ex-boyfriends.

So here's my question to you, Blogger World: Do I remind this guy that we will never (and I mean never) be more than friends? Do I soak up the attention and just let it be? Do I casually yet suddenly call him out one night for flirting with me and see if that's enough to get him to stop?

It's one thing to talk sports and hate on Duke during our football game. It's another thing to remind me of the story I told about one of my kids the day before and how that "proves [I am] truly a great teacher and [I] should just focus on my kids," as he said.

I'm all about guys and girls being friends. I'm very thankful for my guy friends. But this is just getting to be more than friends, ya know? I want to do right by him and I certainly don't want to play with his emotions.

Where do I go from here?

90DoOD: Don't Pray for Marriage.

Have you ever heard a phrase that struck something deep inside you? A sentence that makes you stop dead in your tracks? Sometimes these sentences contain bits of shocking news -- I remember forgetting where my feet were when I found out that my Project brother died; the same kind of effect happened when my friend Kevin told me about the terrorist attacks happening in that exact moment on 9/11.

My whole world was turned upside down the first time that I truly heard the words "Jesus wants you." I had heard the concept before, but my soul had never heard it. Jesus wants me -- my flaws, my freckles, the few extra pounds around the middle. He wants my split ends and all of the snorts I produce when I laugh too hard. He wants my pseudo OCD and my barely-organized chaos.
I was already a believer when I heard this phrase, but I was still struggling deep with insecurities and attempting to find my place in this world. When my Bible Study leader, Shelly, said those three words, it was like everything clicked together. I have seriously contemplated getting those three words tattooed on myself as a constant reminder of the truth in them.

I was stopped dead a few weeks ago when a friend said to me: "Don't pray for marriage."

I went to a cookout the other night and was greeted immediately by a friend. Ma Ella, as I like to call her, was a former co-worker of mine and I truly believe that the Lord used her and her prayers to get me through that semester. We chatted about life and her kids and eventually she asked if I had a boy. I told her no and used my go-to joke of "no one can afford me" to move the conversation right along.

"Well, darling, as long as you're praying for him, he'll be along shortly," was her response. I promised her I was praying for him and praying as specifically as I could.

"Good girl. Pray for that man. Pray that he loves Jesus more than you, pray that he's learning how to be the man of your relationship and learning how to be a good father to y'all's children. Whatever you do, young lady, don't you dare pray for marriage."

"Excuse me? I'm not supposed to pray for my marriage?"

"Oh, you can pray for your marriage. You can pray for the adjectives you want to describe your marriage, you can pray that the Lord makes you the person He wants you to be for your marriage, but don't pray for marriage. Don't pray for marriage because that's all you're gonna get."

Don't pray for marriage because that's all you're gonna get.

Don't pray to find someone because then he'll just be anybody.

I had Ma Ella repeat that sentence to me a few times to make sure that it really sunk in deep.

"Don't pray for marriage because then you'll just get married. Then what? Who is this person? Is this the person that you're supposed to be with? Are you the person that's most right for them? Do your dreams align and can the two of you as one work together to glorify Him?" she continued.

The wheels in my brain were spinning so quickly I was about to fall over. This blog post began to write itself!

Don't pray for marriage because that's all you're going to get.

Pray for a marriage where each of you is sacrificing yourself daily for the other person (I guess this means I may have to learn to cook --and deal with the smell of -- cauliflower). Pray for a man who is so invested in what is best for The Kingdom and for your family that when he comes to you and says, "I've made a decision," it doesn't terrify you. Pray for a man who gives thanks daily -- gratitude is the foundation of a happy heart, a happy life, a happy home. Pray for a man who understand his mission and purpose in life.

Pray for a man who can accept my independence and the fact that I've functioned extremely well by myself for the past however many years. And a man who will appreciate my passion for sequins and giggling and all the little orphan babies in the whole wide world.

But, wait, sorry, that's just my prayer.

I digress.

Gentlemen, pray for a woman who loves Jesus with everything -- her money, her clothing, her body. Pray for a woman with a career and a head on her shoulders. If she has the ability to balance a career and a social life before you, she can easily balance one with and for you. Pray for a woman with passion. Women multiply everything -- we, as a species, nurture children to become adults, we take a little flour and make a loaf of bread, we take a vase and fill it with flowers to fill an entire room with color and scent. If a woman makes your life together her passion, the church that you two invest in together her passion, the community in which the two of you live her passion, just think of the possibilities for her and for you! Pray for a woman whose dreams can become your own -- as Christ laid down his life for her, so should you. Make sure that you know whose life you are taking on for your own.

Don't pray for marriage because that's all you'll get.

Pray for everything, and then pray a little bit more.

90DoOD: Hitting the Wall

Have you ever heard the phrase "hitting the wall"? When you've been working out, you hit that wall and endorphins kick in. When you're at work and you're slaving for the man, you hit that wall and you know that you won't be productive any more that day.

You've been dating someone for a while and you've hit the wall where you need to move forward: you either need to break up or you need to get married.

Maybe that last one is just a girl thing, but regardless, it exists.

There's a wall to hit in online dating as well. You've been sending emails with some guy and he never asks for your number. You know that you really can't learn much more about him over the internet. It's time for more. You need to either hand over your number or ask for hers.

Gentlemen, this is not the girl's job to ask for your number. Be the man and either ask or hand over. It's your job as the man to steer the conversation, to guide the relationship through its proverbial waters.

It's really hard to be the girl in the "hitting the wall" scenario. You're at this impasse of Do I put myself out there and give him the cop out? or Do I stand around and twiddle my thumbs, hoping this guy will step up? Well, first off, ladies, if he's not man enough to ask/give his number, he's not man enough to lead a relationship. Keep that in mind.

Before you make the leap and hand over your number uninvited, remember that confidence can sometimes scare a guy. You might lose him (which is probably a good thing -- just sayin'!).

Men, women are attracted to confidence. I know that I've said this before, but I'm saying it again because it's never going to stop being true. Women are very, very attracted to confidence. Put yourself out there. Do something she's not expecting. If she's reacts immaturely, then she's not ready for a relationship and count this as a good thing in your life.

Even if she isn't interested, hopefully she's mature enough to handle it and you both can laugh about it later.

If she's interested, I cannot begin to describe the number of brownie points that are now in your column. Way to go!

Once you've exchanged numbers, then there's the wall where you need to meet in person. Texting/phone conversation is getting only but so far and there's a critical need for more.

I've hit this wall a handful of times. The need for a number and a need for a face-to-face meet-and-greet.

I'm currently sitting on this impasse. He has my number and we've been texting. To say that we are loooooonng overdue for a date would be an understatement. From the character that has been shown via text message, I don't think that I would date this guy long-term, but I've been given encouragement to wait and see in person. Sometimes guys don't know how to react via text message, but they have a darling little personality in person.

I'm hoping for the chance to give this guy a chance.

I was, however, asked out by a guy who I chatted with the last time I was online. He messaged me earlier this week and abruptly said, "How about that date?" We talked about possible times that we're both available but nothing has been set in stone yet -- guys, it doesn't really count until there's a plan. You always need a plan -- so we'll see if he can complete the task.

The bottom line: Don't be a wuss. If you like her, do something about it. And then continue to do something about it until you don't like her anymore.

90DoOD: Cleaning Off the Gunk!

I have discovered a new Pinterest trick: the Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser toilet bowl trick.

You throw a half of a Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser into a dirty toilet bowl overnight, and in the morning, all of the gunk in the toilet is easily scraped away. Yeah, I know that I could sprinkle toilet bowl cleaner in and then scrub it with the brush using a good amount of elbow grease, but sometimes you just have to let things sit in order to get the best result.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

After a long day with my kids, I look forward to coming to my house with the only stimulation being my ceiling fan.

That's kind of where I am with online dating right now. There's a lot of negative energy coming from the dating site currently, and with school being crazy as always and the holiday season starting to gear up, I'm taking some time off. I'm still putting in my fifteen minutes a day, but I'm not responding to every single email. I'm not jumping every time my phone beeps.

This weekend I will click through a few pictures to fulfill my obligations, but I'm not going to return any emails or make any new contacts. I need a weekend off. I need to rejuvenate.

This weekend, I am going to be thankful. I am going to be thankful for the best job I could ask for. I'm going to be thankful for kiddos who say, "Miss Sandy, one of your lovelies is hurting. Can you help?" I love that they know that they're my lovelies.

I'm putting some positivity into my life and I'm being thankful this weekend.

Next weekend I'm fully planning to dive back into the project and hopefully start talking to some decent men. But for now, I'm going to let the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser pull all of the gunk and the negativity out that is crowding my soul right now.

Adventures will resume next week.