90DoOD: The Whole World, Please.

Some may call me a prude, but I prefer the word old-fashioned. My parents raised me the right way and I live in such a way that I have no regrets. I consider my own bed a very sacred area that houses my sweet dreams and warm blankets. I view other people's bed as somewhere I don't belong -- that's their space.

When other people don't feel the same, it kind of shocks me.

Some guys and the things they're willing to say just shocks me, too.

I received a message last week from this guy. We sent a few messages back and forth. He has a steady job that he likes, he's educated, and he has a brother. These things I know. I don't recall his name, though.

He works and lives about 45 minutes outside of Raleigh and he told me that I shouldn't worry about doing a long-distance kind of thing because he's in Raleigh all the time. I kind of rolled my eyes at his presumptuousness that I would even give him a chance. But, then again, I guess confidence is good-looking on a guy.

He messaged me while on his way to Raleigh for a business conference. He said that he was having to entertain clients all day but he would be open to entertaining a date that night. I did a little crooked smile at the idea of having a drink or two with a guy.

Not three messages later, I stopped smiling.

"I just got to my hotel. Damn, this is too big for one person. You should come keep me company."

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.

This guy was nice, y'all. He seemed to have a good family and I thought he had decent raising. He could carry on a conversation and he allegedly loved sushi and said he would compromise on what movies to watch. He was kinda cute and he had this witty sense of humor that made me giggle.

What homeboy doesn't have is a clue.

It is my personal belief that women have been watered down to be just a few things: easy, shallow, make-up wearing, cosmopolitan drinking Top Guns with a mouth like a sailor. We're supposed to be that all while wearing stilettos.

Um, no.

Women are absolutely allowed to be those things. That's our choice. But that's not what we're made for. We're made to be strong and to be talented. We're made to be smart and to be multi-taskers who take on the day without fear.

The need to compare ourselves to one another has robbed us, slowly but surely, of our identities and our credit scores. We, as a society, are so buried in debt and that we can't laugh at the days to come because we're so busy making that next dollar to rob Peter to pay Paul. We're counting calories, not because we want to be healthy, but because we need to be skinniest woman in the bar to pick up a man. Excuse me, a male.

Women are made to want security. We are made to crave the care and attention it takes for us to feel secure and wanted. We've abandoned true security and taken on pseudo security: if I can feel good for one minute, that will get me through a rough patch. Once I break up with this guy, I can find another one and he'll make me feel pretty.

Sorry, people. That's not what I'm looking for. I want the real thing. I want the be-all end-all that I've watched growing up. I want to be dancing on the screened-in porch when I'm 70. I want to make-out in the kitchen and make my kids get really grossed out. I want to have a guy bring me lunch at work and learn all of my teammates' names.

I had this vision when I started this experience that I would eventually go on a date with a guy from this whole shenanigan. I would be super excited and giddy about it and I would probably buy a new outfit. You would wait by your computer screens the next day, waiting for the full re-cap on a blog post. I would tell you about the awkward jokes he made and how I spilled something.

I still want that. I think I'll always want that.

But that isn't going to stop me from wanting more.

Sorry, homeboy. Your bed is going to stay too big for one person. Until you have the whole world to offer me, I want nothing to do with your sheets.

90DoOD: Questions 2 & 3

A few weeks ago, I posted eHarmony's fifteen best questions to ask on a first date. I gave my answer to the first one, as well.

Since online dating is currently boring, for lack of a better word, I figured now was as good of a time as any to do questions two and three!

Question 2: What sorts of things really make you laugh?

I laugh at almost anything. Just because I'm laughing doesn't mean that I'm having a good time. I could just as easily be uncomfortable or on the verge of tears. Laughing is my escape from all other emotions.

I think the things that really make me laugh are real life stories. Lord knows I have my fair share of interesting life stories, and connecting with someone in that way is good for my soul.

Question 3: What's your favorite place in the entire world?

I have many of these. They have changed as my life has changed and I have adventured more over this world. Beirut, Lebanon and Clearwater Beach, Florida will always be in my Top 5, but those places are just the containers of the love that I have -- the people that shared love with me in those places are what truly matters. North Carolina State University campus is also, most definitely, in that Top 5. Both of my grandparents' houses round out the Top 5.

However, I think that my favorite place in the world is a bit more abstract than an address.

My favorite place would be the lake house where my dad's side of the family spends a week out of every summer together. The actual lake house that has housed all of us has changed from year to year, mind you, but the idea of all coming together is what gets me really excited. We laugh, play, swim, read, sleep, and tan for one entire week, Saturday to Saturday, every summer. This is the week that all of the cousins and aunts and uncles work the hardest to be together. Now that my generation is older and we have real life jobs and that sort of thing, it's getting harder. I think it was Christmas of 2012 the last time that all eleven of us were in the same room together.

I love that we have all of these memories together. Tell any of my cousins that Aunt Sheri is cooking tacos and the groan of sudden hunger will shock you. Or that Aunt Beth Ann has decided to cook something other than chicken and rice -- that protest could be heard across state lines. If you call for a game of cards, move out of the way: the pitter patter of feet is about to get louder as we all charge up the stairs to pick the best partner.

I grew up in a fairyland surrounded by people who love me more than words can express. The lake house is the castle of the fairyland.

90 Days of Online Dating: Making Your Profile

Okay, gentlemen. If you're thinking about creating a profile or if you have one that you need to tweak, allow me to give out my two cents for you.

About Me: 

1. Always, always, always be honest. There is no need to overshare, but don't lie about your age, your current employment, your height, your weight, or your hobbies. Just because you read two books in high school does not mean that you love reading. Roadtripping to the beach every Fourth of July doesn't make you an avid traveler. Renting the same beach house every year doesn't mean that you "have" a beach house. It's a sentimental ownership and it doesn't count. Sorry.

2. Speak positively about your life. Even if you currently hate your job and are looking to transition, that's something you can hit her with on the third date. Keep things upbeat and cheery. You're more likely to meet an upbeat and cheery girl.

3. If you can't play more than two songs on a guitar, you can't play the instrument. Don't try to impress her.

Your Pictures:

1. Going along with the above number three, if you can't play the guitar, take down the picture of you holding your frat brother's guitar at the New Year's Eve party last year. It'll give girls the wrong impression and you'll just break her heart.

2. Only post a picture of your dog if you're in the picture.

3. Always post a picture of your dog if you have one -- girls are attracted to cute, cuddly things.

4. When selecting pictures, put your main profile picture as one of just you. Let the girl be able to see your face. The second picture can be of you from a bit of a distance to show off your physique. Then you can post the puppy pictures and the Boys Weekend at the Beach pictures (but nothing too embarrassing!). 

5. Girls are wired with some kind of predisposition to guys who have some height on them. Even if you're 6'2", don't post the picture of you standing next to your freakishly-tall 6'8" friend. Girls automatically assume that Guy #2 is of normal height and that you've fibbed a bit about your height on your profile.

6. When picking out your profile pictures, talk to a trusted female friend and have her pick out her three favorite Facebook pictures of you. The pictures you post say a lot about you, have a girl help you get a girl. We all kind of think alike.

7. Don't post selfies, mirror pics, or pictures with your shirt off. Have some class. Don't be twelve.

8. Actually, here's a great rule: if you can Google a picture with Miley Cyrus or Lady Gaga doing the same pose or wearing the same thing, don't post that picture. Unless you're doing it ironically, and make sure that people know you're doing it ironically.

9. 90% of your pictures should be from the past ten months.

What You're Looking For:

1. I would suggest that even if it's an option (because it is), don't list the size of the female that you're looking for. Just because a girl is "slender" doesn't mean that she feels that way about herself. Because of one word on your profile, she's now insecure about herself and about how you would feel about her and she's not going to message you. We're weird. We know. Just leave it as "no preference."

2. I'm going to give you a piece of advice that my AP Psychology teacher once gave to my class my senior year: The mediocre-looking girls have the best personalities. The ones that peaked in high school never had to learn how to do anything because they had boobs already. The other girls have learned to be funny and keep you entertained. Just because a girl's waist size isn't what you thought you wanted, don't exclude her. Just sayin. If she's a 6 on the Hotness Scale, give her an email anyways. You just never know.

3. Say something about what you're looking for in her personality.

Here's what mine says: "My ideal man is taller than me, can make me laugh, listens, smiles at me from across the room when he walks in, likes my cooking, is incredibly sarcastic, likes to hold my hand, makes the plans, knows the difference between "your" and "you're", can hold a conversation, and doesn't mind me talking about my very large, incredibly amazing family."

Getting Her to Message You:

Ask some questions on your profile. Give her a starting point. There is nothing more annoying than receiving an email that just says "hey." Without the period, of course. Actually, I think "hey your gorgeous" is worse. 

Give the girl a prompt or two so she can have a starting point that will be the cornerstone of the story you two get to tell as you're living happily ever after.

Good luck, men!

90DoOD: Carsen.

Day: I forget. I'll recount later.

Current Mood: Perplexed.

Recent Online Activity: About two weeks ago, a guy named Carsen emailed me. He stated that based on our respective profiles, he didn't think that we would be a match, but he wanted to email me anyways. Apparently he works with a bunch of transplanted Yankees (preaching to the choir on that one!) and wanted someone with whom to talk ACC football. Despite the fact that my Wolfpack is currently breaking my heart, they're still my Wolfpack.

Carsen and I exchanged a few emails and he seemed like a decent guy.

He eventually got my number and we've been texting.

While I was at the Duke game last weekend, he was texting me through almost every other play. It was nice to have someone on the red side while I was surrounded by that other color.

Carsen is constantly reminding me that he isn't interested in having a relationship with me (and I agree that it wouldn't work), yet he has called me every night this week as soon as he's gotten off of work. On Tuesday, I was answering all of his questions with one word answers. I had had an off day and I was also cooking supper while I was on the phone. After the third or fourth "yep" he said, "Okay, what's wrong? Tell me everything. I can tell you're in a mood."

I tried to shrug it off and move the conversation on, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

I talked it all out and he listened. He encouraged me after I word-vomited and then we talked about his day.

This happened -- minus the crappy mood on my end -- again Wednesday and Thursday night.

Call me crazy but I'm seeing a pattern here.

He calls on his way home from work, we talk about our days, we tell each other tomorrow will be better, we get excited over each other's weekend plans, and then we hang up. Thirty seconds after the hang up, he texts me something goofy to make me laugh. Right before lunch he sends me a text "just to make me smile" and that launches into a lunchtime text session.

I know this pattern because it was the same one that I had with both of my ex-boyfriends.

So here's my question to you, Blogger World: Do I remind this guy that we will never (and I mean never) be more than friends? Do I soak up the attention and just let it be? Do I casually yet suddenly call him out one night for flirting with me and see if that's enough to get him to stop?

It's one thing to talk sports and hate on Duke during our football game. It's another thing to remind me of the story I told about one of my kids the day before and how that "proves [I am] truly a great teacher and [I] should just focus on my kids," as he said.

I'm all about guys and girls being friends. I'm very thankful for my guy friends. But this is just getting to be more than friends, ya know? I want to do right by him and I certainly don't want to play with his emotions.

Where do I go from here?

90DoOD: Don't Pray for Marriage.

Have you ever heard a phrase that struck something deep inside you? A sentence that makes you stop dead in your tracks? Sometimes these sentences contain bits of shocking news -- I remember forgetting where my feet were when I found out that my Project brother died; the same kind of effect happened when my friend Kevin told me about the terrorist attacks happening in that exact moment on 9/11.

My whole world was turned upside down the first time that I truly heard the words "Jesus wants you." I had heard the concept before, but my soul had never heard it. Jesus wants me -- my flaws, my freckles, the few extra pounds around the middle. He wants my split ends and all of the snorts I produce when I laugh too hard. He wants my pseudo OCD and my barely-organized chaos.
I was already a believer when I heard this phrase, but I was still struggling deep with insecurities and attempting to find my place in this world. When my Bible Study leader, Shelly, said those three words, it was like everything clicked together. I have seriously contemplated getting those three words tattooed on myself as a constant reminder of the truth in them.

I was stopped dead a few weeks ago when a friend said to me: "Don't pray for marriage."

I went to a cookout the other night and was greeted immediately by a friend. Ma Ella, as I like to call her, was a former co-worker of mine and I truly believe that the Lord used her and her prayers to get me through that semester. We chatted about life and her kids and eventually she asked if I had a boy. I told her no and used my go-to joke of "no one can afford me" to move the conversation right along.

"Well, darling, as long as you're praying for him, he'll be along shortly," was her response. I promised her I was praying for him and praying as specifically as I could.

"Good girl. Pray for that man. Pray that he loves Jesus more than you, pray that he's learning how to be the man of your relationship and learning how to be a good father to y'all's children. Whatever you do, young lady, don't you dare pray for marriage."

"Excuse me? I'm not supposed to pray for my marriage?"

"Oh, you can pray for your marriage. You can pray for the adjectives you want to describe your marriage, you can pray that the Lord makes you the person He wants you to be for your marriage, but don't pray for marriage. Don't pray for marriage because that's all you're gonna get."

Don't pray for marriage because that's all you're gonna get.

Don't pray to find someone because then he'll just be anybody.

I had Ma Ella repeat that sentence to me a few times to make sure that it really sunk in deep.

"Don't pray for marriage because then you'll just get married. Then what? Who is this person? Is this the person that you're supposed to be with? Are you the person that's most right for them? Do your dreams align and can the two of you as one work together to glorify Him?" she continued.

The wheels in my brain were spinning so quickly I was about to fall over. This blog post began to write itself!

Don't pray for marriage because that's all you're going to get.

Pray for a marriage where each of you is sacrificing yourself daily for the other person (I guess this means I may have to learn to cook --and deal with the smell of -- cauliflower). Pray for a man who is so invested in what is best for The Kingdom and for your family that when he comes to you and says, "I've made a decision," it doesn't terrify you. Pray for a man who gives thanks daily -- gratitude is the foundation of a happy heart, a happy life, a happy home. Pray for a man who understand his mission and purpose in life.

Pray for a man who can accept my independence and the fact that I've functioned extremely well by myself for the past however many years. And a man who will appreciate my passion for sequins and giggling and all the little orphan babies in the whole wide world.

But, wait, sorry, that's just my prayer.

I digress.

Gentlemen, pray for a woman who loves Jesus with everything -- her money, her clothing, her body. Pray for a woman with a career and a head on her shoulders. If she has the ability to balance a career and a social life before you, she can easily balance one with and for you. Pray for a woman with passion. Women multiply everything -- we, as a species, nurture children to become adults, we take a little flour and make a loaf of bread, we take a vase and fill it with flowers to fill an entire room with color and scent. If a woman makes your life together her passion, the church that you two invest in together her passion, the community in which the two of you live her passion, just think of the possibilities for her and for you! Pray for a woman whose dreams can become your own -- as Christ laid down his life for her, so should you. Make sure that you know whose life you are taking on for your own.

Don't pray for marriage because that's all you'll get.

Pray for everything, and then pray a little bit more.

90DoOD: Hitting the Wall

Have you ever heard the phrase "hitting the wall"? When you've been working out, you hit that wall and endorphins kick in. When you're at work and you're slaving for the man, you hit that wall and you know that you won't be productive any more that day.

You've been dating someone for a while and you've hit the wall where you need to move forward: you either need to break up or you need to get married.

Maybe that last one is just a girl thing, but regardless, it exists.

There's a wall to hit in online dating as well. You've been sending emails with some guy and he never asks for your number. You know that you really can't learn much more about him over the internet. It's time for more. You need to either hand over your number or ask for hers.

Gentlemen, this is not the girl's job to ask for your number. Be the man and either ask or hand over. It's your job as the man to steer the conversation, to guide the relationship through its proverbial waters.

It's really hard to be the girl in the "hitting the wall" scenario. You're at this impasse of Do I put myself out there and give him the cop out? or Do I stand around and twiddle my thumbs, hoping this guy will step up? Well, first off, ladies, if he's not man enough to ask/give his number, he's not man enough to lead a relationship. Keep that in mind.

Before you make the leap and hand over your number uninvited, remember that confidence can sometimes scare a guy. You might lose him (which is probably a good thing -- just sayin'!).

Men, women are attracted to confidence. I know that I've said this before, but I'm saying it again because it's never going to stop being true. Women are very, very attracted to confidence. Put yourself out there. Do something she's not expecting. If she's reacts immaturely, then she's not ready for a relationship and count this as a good thing in your life.

Even if she isn't interested, hopefully she's mature enough to handle it and you both can laugh about it later.

If she's interested, I cannot begin to describe the number of brownie points that are now in your column. Way to go!

Once you've exchanged numbers, then there's the wall where you need to meet in person. Texting/phone conversation is getting only but so far and there's a critical need for more.

I've hit this wall a handful of times. The need for a number and a need for a face-to-face meet-and-greet.

I'm currently sitting on this impasse. He has my number and we've been texting. To say that we are loooooonng overdue for a date would be an understatement. From the character that has been shown via text message, I don't think that I would date this guy long-term, but I've been given encouragement to wait and see in person. Sometimes guys don't know how to react via text message, but they have a darling little personality in person.

I'm hoping for the chance to give this guy a chance.

I was, however, asked out by a guy who I chatted with the last time I was online. He messaged me earlier this week and abruptly said, "How about that date?" We talked about possible times that we're both available but nothing has been set in stone yet -- guys, it doesn't really count until there's a plan. You always need a plan -- so we'll see if he can complete the task.

The bottom line: Don't be a wuss. If you like her, do something about it. And then continue to do something about it until you don't like her anymore.

90DoOD: Cleaning Off the Gunk!

I have discovered a new Pinterest trick: the Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser toilet bowl trick.

You throw a half of a Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser into a dirty toilet bowl overnight, and in the morning, all of the gunk in the toilet is easily scraped away. Yeah, I know that I could sprinkle toilet bowl cleaner in and then scrub it with the brush using a good amount of elbow grease, but sometimes you just have to let things sit in order to get the best result.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

After a long day with my kids, I look forward to coming to my house with the only stimulation being my ceiling fan.

That's kind of where I am with online dating right now. There's a lot of negative energy coming from the dating site currently, and with school being crazy as always and the holiday season starting to gear up, I'm taking some time off. I'm still putting in my fifteen minutes a day, but I'm not responding to every single email. I'm not jumping every time my phone beeps.

This weekend I will click through a few pictures to fulfill my obligations, but I'm not going to return any emails or make any new contacts. I need a weekend off. I need to rejuvenate.

This weekend, I am going to be thankful. I am going to be thankful for the best job I could ask for. I'm going to be thankful for kiddos who say, "Miss Sandy, one of your lovelies is hurting. Can you help?" I love that they know that they're my lovelies.

I'm putting some positivity into my life and I'm being thankful this weekend.

Next weekend I'm fully planning to dive back into the project and hopefully start talking to some decent men. But for now, I'm going to let the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser pull all of the gunk and the negativity out that is crowding my soul right now.

Adventures will resume next week.