Will You Pray With Me?

This post is a simple one: I am asking you to pray with me.

Tomorrow I will be greeting 111 new students as they walk through my classroom door. Will you pray with me as I greet them with a smile?

I will be laying out my rules, regulations, and expectations for my classroom and this school year over the next week. Will you pray with me that they may see these rules as a symbol of love for them, a guideline for their safety, and a gateway to their education?

I will be learning new ways to pronounce old names and I will be attempting new names that I've never heard before. Will you pray that they may learn the name of Jesus through my kindness?

Over the course of the year, one-hundred-eleven pairs of eyes will be watching me as I instruct, as I plan, as I talk, as I walk, as I love, as I discipline. Will you pray they see Him and not me?

Per the norm of my classroom, I will build relationships with these kids, friendships with the kids, and learn about the pasts they've endured and the homes they come from. Will you pray that I can be a light of grace in the darkness? A figure of mercy? A rod of discipline that is laced with love, compassion, and kindness?

As I meet these kids and I am silently praying that I don't have one of those children, will you pray with me to remember that God knows every single hair on each of my babies' heads? Will you pray that I never forget that He has never abandoned them or me? He loves all of them...even the ones that are difficult to love.

Will you pray that when they see my feather boa and my card games, they see more than laughter? That they see the joy that Jesus can bring?

Will you pray that the days I have to get loud and I have to tell them things they don't want to hear that they will learn that it's only for their good and it's because I want the best for them and I am having to rebuke them?

Will you pray that I learn some time management skills so that I may devote myself fully to this job and not get burnt out too quickly?

Will you pray for my heart as I serve the least of these? Will you pray for The Adversary to not enter my classroom? Will you pray for Jesus to be present always in my classroom, my words, my actions?

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

One-hundred-eleven children will fill these desks over the course of the next 180 school days. We have six units of English-Language Arts curriculum to cover, but I want the education to be about more than a textbook; I want it to be about The Word. I might not be able to say everything I wish to say to them, but I can show them...just as I pray I showed the two-hundred-fifty-two before them.

Will you hang this picture on your refrigerator and remember Mama Sandy's babies?

I encourage you to find a teacher you know and over the next week or two to encourage them. The first few weeks are hard. They're all hard, really, but the first few weeks I feel are hardest as you are learning the ropes for the year and trying to give the impression of firm but fair. Encourage them over the next year. A kind word can go a long way when you work in such a thankless job.

Pray for each of us by name. And pray for the new names that we will be learning this school year.

Temporary Strength.

My life seems to define the word "temporary" these days.

My job is "temporary" and will be over soon.
My time with my kiddos is "temporary".

My living situation is "temporary". One week I live in Raleigh, the next Wendell.

I am a completely Type A kind of girl. I have lists and plans and thrive on organized chaos. I hate not knowing where I'm going to be three paychecks from now. I hate not knowing what to do about my living situation come January.

Some days I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Some days I don't want to be a teacher for another minute. Even my decisions seem to be temporary!

Eden will only be a baby temporarily so I have to soak up her cuteness and her hugs and kisses as much as I can now.

My girls will only be in Raleigh temporarily because the next two years are going to fly by faster than the last two years did...and that makes my heart so heavy.

Everything is temporary.

And I am made for eternity.

Those two things don't exactly mix.

To move on to another tangent, the loneliness that is creeping into my soul is overwhelming.

I've said before that I don't have a best friend. I never have. I have lots of good friends, but I don't have that one person that I can call at any hours of the day, every day. Those girls that had that one friend in middle school that they spent every waking hour with...I used to make fun of them. I really did. I didn't get it. I liked knowing that I had A LOT of friends and not just one or two. A piece of me regrets not deeply investing now.

I sit in a room with eighty-eight children all day every day. I can only share a piece of myself with them. It would be wrong and unhealthy to find my identity in "being a teacher" because if that were true, then days like today--where they don't listen and don't care and are just all-out RUDE--would be the death of me. To have half conversations for almost five hours a day can wear out a soul. Especially when there is no one to help rejuvenate you.

You're probably wondering why I titled this post "Temporary Strength" if all I'm going to do is whine all night.

Well, people have always said that I'm a strong person. Some have said it for physical purposes, others for emotional, others for spiritual. I've always laughed because I don't see it. I see my flaws when I look introspectively. I see where I am lacking and what needs to be improved and I calculate how to do so.

It's hard. Every day.  The lack of genuine conversation. The lack of a true support group. The feeling of being the outsider or the third wheel.

I know I am blessed. I know I am supported. I know this...but knowing and feeling are two different things.

I am going to allow my lack of strength to take over for a moment, and I'm going to be weak and sink in humility for a second.

I need a support group to love me and encourage me. I need friends that love Jesus and can point me to Him. Friends that are present and in my life. And at a stage of life where my schedule is the exact opposite of everyone else's...that doesn't exist.
I need prayer so that I can desire and seek to be filled by Him instead of trying to find my identity elsewhere.
I need to accept that He made me this way and no other way because His plan is perfect.
I need to accept that I am doing what He wants me to do, and I need to renew the faith that this is where I am supposed to be...because my soul is longing for bigger and greater.
I need to find joy and not just contentment.
I need to remember that I am fighting the good fight and to not back down when outside forces tell me differently.
I need to remember that the right thing to do is never the easy thing to do.

...

...

...

I need to broken again because then He can fix it and put everything back together in the right place.

I know that sounds so weird and I know what I'm asking. It doesn't matter how many days come between me and my depression-filled months...those memories of that defeat and heartbreak are never far away.

But I also know that I can keep scraping the bottom of the barrel and always come up short...or I can be put together perfectly and let things work themselves out.

Any strength that I can find within myself with only last for a few moments. Strength that is built elsewhere will last a lifetime.

I am out of strength. Just add that to the list of the things that are temporary.

I Believe and I Worry.

I believe in praying big.
I believe that when I pray, I am speaking to a big God.
So big that He created the heavens and the earth.

I believe that He wants us to pray big.
I believe that He is kind and loving and gentle.
I believe He hears every word that I say. Every word that I say to Him or to others. I believe He knows every thought that goes through my head.

"Indeed, the very hairs on your head have been numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I believe that He pays attention to me so closely throughout the entire day that even as I shed my hair worse than my puppy does, He still can, at any moment, tell how many hairs I have on my head. He can also tell me how many hairs I have ever grown on my head. I believe He pays this close attention to me out of love, because He created me in love and I believe He will never stop loving me.

This summer He called me close to Him. He has pulled me to sit at His feet and listen. He has pulled me into His lap to learn to trust and to be comforted. He has put me in places where I am alone so that I only have Him to cry out to. This summer He has provided my every need in the moment where it has needed to be met.

When I was in a car accident in June, He provided friends who stepped up and gave me rides to work.
When I was in need of a car after mine was declared totaled, He provided multiple family members with willing hearts to share their vehicles with me so I could continue going to the doctor and going to work.
When I didn't know how I was going to buy groceries at the end of the spring semester, He provided a gift card to Target from a friend to commemorate graduation. It was just enough to buy a week's worth of food until my next paycheck.
When I needed rest more than anything else, He had already provided wonderful bosses who let me take time off after my wreck.
When I couldn't fully dress myself about my wreck due to injury-based physical limitations, He provided a mother and sister to help me.
When I needed time alone and someone to talk to, I always seemed to have an errand to run. An errand whose drive was just long enough for me to scream my unhappiness into "the void" and move on with my emotions before arriving to my destination. Even when "no one" was listening, it amazed me how much better I felt.
When I contracted pink eye, He provided wonderful parents to pay my bills and fill my prescriptions, even though I'm "on my own."
When I needed a full-time, grown-up job after graduation, He led a principal to call me, even though I hadn't applied for this particular position.
When I asked for outrageous things to be a part of this full-time, grown-up job, He gave me all of them, just because He loves me.
When I prayed for peace harder than my lungs pray for air, He took control of the situation, manuevered it out of my hands, and gave me a peace so chilling I questioned the state of my physical and mental health.

I truly believe that this summer was pieced together so that I would learn to trust in Him. This summer was the beginning of my adult life and I believe that it was used as the foundation of the rest of my life. When building a foundation, one needs to trust...to trust that the foundation will carry whatever weight is put on it for the remainder of the time that it is asked to stand. Trust that no matter what storm blows or activity proceeds, the foundation will continue to be strong.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I struggle with trust. I have seen trust broken more often than I have seen it kept. I have seen friends betray loved ones and I have seen promises dismissed. I have seen people forgotten.

And yet, there is this Savior, who asks me to get out of bed every day and remember Who He is. Remember how great He is. He asks me to believe and to trust that every day He will remember me. Every day He will love me. Every day He will cherish me. Every day He will guide me. Every day He will provide for me.

Every day, He keeps His promise.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."
Matthew 10:29

My biggest fear is that one day He will go back on His promise. My biggest fear is that one day He will forget me. My biggest fear is that one day He will let me fall to the ground. My biggest fear is that He will stop loving me.

But He hasn't broken a single promise in thousands of years.

Not only that, but He slaughtered His own Beloved Son to bring me to Him.
He turned away from His boy so that He could look on me.
He watched as His Son was torchured...
As His Son was whipped...
As His Son was chained....
As His Son was spat upon...
As His Son was dragged...
As His Son was mocked...
As His Son was crying out...
As His Son bled...
As His Son was pierced with nails...
As His Son hung dying...

so that He could look on me.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat. or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than the birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He cloth you--you of little faith!"
Luke 12:22-28

While the Lord is showing me His favor daily, I continue to worry. I worry that He will forget me. I worry that I will go hungry. I worry that someone may not like me. I worry about there not being enough hours in the day. I worry about being able to properly educate my students. I worry about paying my bills because they're due before the check comes.

I worry, and the Lord laughs.
I worry, and the Lord waits for me to finish freaking out.
I worry, and the Lord shakes His head with a smile on His face.
I worry, and He replies...

"Rebekah, allow Me to love you."

My prayer through this entire summer has been, "I am expecting You to show up. I am expecting You to fix this. No Sir, this is not a request."

Here I am again. Sitting at His feet. Pleading into His eyes to love me, comfort me, hold me, provide for me, show me how big He is, show me how mighty He is, show me how beautiful He is, show me how deeply He loves me, show me how true He is.

"Lord, I'm expecting You to show up."

Let's see how He does it this time...

Warning!

It's Saturday!

Praise the Jesus!

It's also Spring Break!

PRAISE THE JESUS ONE MORE TIME!

I am super excited to report that I am staying in Raleigh and working with Vintage21 Church to love Raleigh doing Sacrificial Spring Break.



I have been put on the team to work with the Boys' Club of Raleigh. I will be building benches and cleaning a playground in the morning and in the afternoon I get to love little children.

That will be Monday through Friday.

Saturday on the other hand, is a different story. Oh my heavens...Saturday!

On Saturday I am getting in my car and heading to Evans, Georgia. My Aunt Beth Ann, Uncle Doug, and cousins Jackson and Bryson live down there. I'm going to hang out with them for about 24 hours.

But guess who else is going to be in Evans, GA that weekend?

Any idea?

I can't wait and stall and tell you a funny anecdote because I'm too excited...

THE PIONEER WOMAN!

I LOVE THE PIONEER WOMAN! LOVE HER LOVE HER LOVE HER!

I saw from her website that she was heading to Atlanta for her book signing and I thought, "Uhm...Seven hours. A seven hour drive for a book signing? Eek."

BUT THEN, I checked back a few days later and saw she was going to be in Evans. Evans, unlike Atlanta, is only a 4 hour drive.

I called up my mom and asked, "Hey Mama, where does Aunt Beth Ann live?"

"Evans. Why?"

Before she could get out the "Why?" I was too busy squealing and promptly hung up on her to call Aunt Beth Ann and to ask and see if I could crash at her place. I made sure to call her Bam-Bam just like I did when I was three so she would remember when I was cute and I was her favorite person on the planet.

What do you know, it worked!

I picked up a copy of The Pioneer Woman's new book, "Black Heels to Tractor Wheels" yesterday from Barnes & Noble.



I'm currently on Chapter 6 and loving it more and more every page.

All I need now is a little inscription from the author to make my day.

I'm also taking down my copy of her cookbook for her to sign as well.

My dad is really enjoying making fun of me saying that I'm wasting lots of gas money to get a book signed. Whatever, I'm meeting a celebrity. He can get over it. I like being the black sheep :)

This whole blog was to tell you that I won't be updating until next Monday. I might throw in a story or two during my breaks this week, but don't count on it.

If you're out there, and you're the praying kind, I would love for you to toss one up to The Big Man about this week. We're going to be interacting with a lot of people and hopefully making a difference. Pray for good conversations and for our love for Jesus to be evident. Pray for good community among our team of 100 college kids (who call 5 different universities home). Pray that I get my house cleaned in time and pray that the Game Night that I'm hosting on Monday will be a success (yes, a bit prideful, but what else is new?). Pray that I efficiently love the two girls that are staying with me over the week. Pray for Haley, Jeremy, Risa, and my Kelsey who are in charge of this whole kit-and-kaboodle.

My life is amazing.

That is all.

Just Some Thoughts.

It might be too late for me to be thinking like this. It is probably too late for me to be expressing these thoughts. But I've been thinking about this for a few days now and I figured I would put these thoughts into the universe.


When you look at the numbers of how many people have walked across the face of this earth, and then you look at the numbers of the people who dropped it all and followed Him, those numbers are so small.


I turned down an opportunity to go overseas next year about a week ago. I just knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. I was talking to a friend about it and one of the reasons that I gave for saying no was that they were asking me to sacrifice too much. These sacrifices were things like the Sanderson Extravaganza Lake Week. Nothing too big, but pieces of my life that I really enjoy being there.


I was thinking today, "What if He asked me to drop it all and follow Him?" What would I do? What would I say? What would I try and negotiate?


What if He asked me to not watch Eden grow up?
What if He asked me to not see my brother graduate from high school?
What if He asked me to not go to another midnight premiere with Spencer Lynne or Shirley?
What if He asked me to never eat Bojangles or drink Diet Coke again?
What if He asked me to not see my Kelsey walk down the aisle and marry the love of her life?
What if He asked me to never see any of my girls marry the loves of their lives?
What if He asked me to not watch my sister walk down the aisle?
What if He asked me to never hug any of my Project sisters again? Or Hannah Nana? Or Mattie?
What if He asked me to never hug any of my girls again?
What if He asked me to live without air conditioning and have no books other than the Bible?
What if He asked me to never get married?
What if He asked me to not have biological children?
What if He asked me to hug Nina goodbye and never hear her laugh again?
What if He asked me to never share another holiday with my beautiful family?
What if He asked me to cry into a lonely pillow, to have no community to wipe my tears?


I've faced the idea of leaving and not coming back. I reconciled that idea. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. What if He asked me to get on a plane and never come back?


But Lord, You don't understand, I'm Eden's favorite. She needs me.
No, she doesn't.


But Lord, You don't understand, I need to be in those pictures.
No, you don't.


But Lord, You don't understand, those hugs are the reason that my soul is still breathing.
No, they aren't.


But Lord, I need to get married. I want children. This is something that my life will be incomplete without.
No, it won't.


But Lord, my family is everything. If something happened to me, it would tear them apart.
No, it wouldn't.


"Who of you by worrying can add a single minute to their life?" Matthew 6:27
"Anyone who loves his father or mother--wife, children, brothers, sisters--yes, even his own life, is not worthy of Me. He cannot be my disciple." Matthew 10:37
"Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." Genesis 12:1-3
"Then He said to them all: 'Whoever want to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'" Luke 9:23


People that follow a "gospel" that says, "Love the Lord and He will give you lots of money and no harm will ever come your way"...I don't know what Bible you're reading. Above are four verses from my Bible. Four verse that have been playing over and over and over again in my brain as I seek out what to do for next year, and the rest of my life. Hearing words like "leave your family," "deny yourself," "do not love your father and mother" isn't fun. But those are the words from the mouth of my Savior and my King of kings.

I have told some people in my life that I don't think I'm strong enough to hear things like, "I'm ashamed of you." or "I have never been more disappointed in anyone." or "This is the most selfish thing you will ever do." or "The only thing I will be doing at your funeral is saying 'I told you so.'" again. Yes, I said again. I've told God the same thing. His response?


"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9


One day I'm going to have to answer to Him. I don't want to say, "Yeah...I know you told me to do this and love that person, but they don't have Bojangles in Iran. I had a problem with that." I really don't want to see my Father's reaction to that statement.


This is where I am now. These are things that I'm thinking. This is what I'm struggling with.


I know it's Monday and those are deep things, but these are the types of questions that are going to define my life. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.

From This Day Forward...

Yesterday, I spent the day in Clemmons, NC attending the wedding of Emily Ward and Brandon Compton. Emily and Brandon are two friends that I met through Crusade and I adore each of them. I remember the first time I met Brandon was at BoJangles my freshmen year--we spent more than an hour talking about life, school, Jesus, and whatever else it is that people talk about at BoJangles. Emily and I met through mutual friends. One of the first times I remember talking to her was at Shak-A-Thon my sophomore year. This past year we became even closer just through different circumstances. There are few people in this world that can make me smile brighter than when Emily walks through the door. She has an amazing heart for the Lord and her relationship with Brandon is completely focused on how they can glorify Him together. I have asked Emily some hard questions about my walk with the Lord, and Emily has always been honest with me and is constantly pointing me to the cross. I want a relationship like the one that Emily and Brandon have. They're the type of couple that it makes you sick to watch them for too long because love and adoration is pouring out of their eyes. But it's just so beautiful.

I love you guys and I cannot wait to continue to watch you grow in Christ together and love one another as He loves His Church. Thank you for everything you mean to me.


While I have your ear, let me tell you a bit about where I see myself in a couple of months.
The short version is: I HAVE NO IDEA.

But I'll give you the long version and all of the options that I have at my door.
1.) I'm looking for teaching jobs in Raleigh, NC. Big shocker there.
2.) I'm looking for teaching jobs in Knoxville, TN. My explanation for this: Why not? I have a plethora of friends and family there and I'm always in need of a good adventure!
3.) I am filling out my application to be an Intern with Crusade. I love my baby girls. So, so much. I love the movement that I have been a part of since January, 2007. It's been a crazy ride and I figured "Why stop at four and half years?" This application also allows me to look into going back overseas with Crusade for a year or two--like I said, I'm always looking for a good adventure.
4.) I am filling out an application to be a part of a church planting team in Murfreesboro, TN (right outside of Nashville). Another great adventure with Christ being the center of it. I would be helping promote the church and the Gospel and also getting a teaching job.
5.) I am writing books. Yes, you read that correctly. Somewhere in my busy schedule I have found time alone with my computer to write and write and write and write. I am working on a couple of fiction pieces that have been stirring for a few months and also a Christian Inspirational book. I am also hoping to follow a non-fiction idea that I've had for a few years this summer. I have no idea where this will lead me, but it's an option that I might pursue.
6.) I would love to work for Amazima Ministries. A friend of mine found a blog of a girl who packed up and moved to Uganda and has been loving on orphans for a couple of years now. She has also founded a non-profit that supports these orphans (similar to the workings of Compassion or World Vision). I am working on getting together a "ministry portfolio" as a type of resume so they'll send me over there to work with Katie and love the little orphans for a year or two.

I know that some of these ideas are crazy. I know only a few of these ideas are close to home. I know that only a few of them also follow the standard "American Dream" idea. But I honestly don't think that I was built for something "normal". Too much of my life these past couple of years has been so far outside of "normal" that I'm not even sure I could really figure out how to do that.

The reason I am listing these ideas out for the vast yonder of people to read is to ask for prayer. I am sure that you can see that I am at a loss for words. I am sure that you can see how confused I am about my life and where to go from here. I am asking for guidance from The Throne daily, and the only thing He's giving me is "Love Me. Trust Me. Obey." Even with this answer, this idea of which avenue to take in order to love, trust, and obey Him is beyond me.

Just as Emily and Brandon are going from this day forward, I am as well...I just don't know where exactly I am going...

i have to get out.

I have to get out of this country.

No, seriously.

America, I love you. I love you deeply, and I am thankful that I live here. I am thankful every day that I was born one of your citizens and I was given your traditons and your Southern drawl. I love your Fourth of July fireworks and your Thanksgiving turkey and your materialistic Christmas, as heathenous as it is for me to say it.
I love your freedom and the fact that big guys with big guns aren't chillin' on every street corner.
I love your diversity and your fake Chinese food and your waiver forms.

But, America, I cannot live with you much longer.

I can't take the hypocritcial Christians and the hollow worship.

I cannot sit here and look at pictures of My Father's children dying around the world. I cannot hear stories of people that do not know Him, that have never been given the chance to know Him and not have my heart break into a thousand tiny pieces.

I don't know how many people read this blog. Truthfully, I don't care. My pride would like to see my numbers grow into the thousands, but in the end this is small and minute and doesn't matter.

But what does matter is malnutrition, and lost people groups, and terrorists that serve a god that doesn't love them and will never answer their prayers.

What matters are the beautiful women that I got the opportunity to love this summer who still do not understand that their life isn't about the here and now.

What matters is that I am only one person. What matters is that I will do nothing with my life. I can work as hard as I physically can every day until Jesus calls me home, but none of it will matter.

Unless I am following what my Father is telling me to do.

The hard part is, I know that my Father is telling me to stay in America. To love His children here.

"But LORD! Don't You know about these beautiful people dying of AIDS? Don't You know about the children who have no mother? Don't You know that I want to love them? HERE I AM LORD, SEND ME!"

"Yes, my daughter, I know. I know all of these things, and more. I know things that you will never know. I will reveal everything to you in due time. Just wait. Just love Me, and wait."

Please, any of you reading this, pray that I wait. Pray that I listen and love where I am at right now. And pray that He calls me quickly elsewhere.

(dis)Comfort and JOY!

For anyone that has spoken to me in the past few weeks, you know that I've been struggling. Since I've gotten back into the country, I've been struggling with the fact that I felt like I have no purpose here in America or, more specifically, in Raleigh. That struggle became easier when my girls began to arrive back to Raleigh and they became my world again, but the main idea hasn't gone away. It intensified once more a few weeks ago when I was sitting in Bible Study with my beautiful girls and I realized that the people that I tell about Jesus all ready know Jesus. To go from an atmosphere where there's a chance that I'm the only white person these people will ever see, and that there's a possibility that I'm the only evangelical believer these people will ever meet to this place where I look like everybody, talk like most, and believe as all my friends do...it's odd. And overwhelming in some scenarios.

I've always struggled with my post-graduation plans from the time I was a sophomore. I had always hidden this desire of mine to join staff with Crusade for at least a year so I could love on my girls for another year. But then I headed over to the Middle East and now I have this strong desire to go back over there.

While riding home from Fall Retreat, a friend of mine mentioned that I WAS going back after I graduate. There was no "maybe" or "eventually". Going back to the Middle East was the only option for me. When I mentioned the whole Crusade/baby girls thing, he commented, "Well, doesn't sticking around here kind of go against the whole 'sharing Jesus with people who don't know Him' thing?" This little statement has sent me into a serious praying state for the past few days. If I was confused as to what to do with my life before he made this point, I have quadrupled it.

One of my biggest prayers during my last few weeks of Lebanon was pleading to the Lord to "not be done here." I knew these people were living in a very conflicted area and they could at any minute go to war and have no more time to consider Jesus. It scared me that there might not be anyone that could tell them about Jesus anymore. I just lived in fear for these people. Still do at some days. It's a huge struggle to lay these beautiful friends at the feet of Jesus.
Well, I love Jesus. I got an email today from one of my Lebanon brothers telling us that a STINTer had emailed him letting him know that someone that we had talked with this summer HAD PRAYED TO RECEIVE CHRIST!!! I screamed. Literally. Outloud. In class. God still has a lot of work to do over there and I'm still praying adamently for these people, but I loved knowing that there was one that I could check off my list.

Now what does this do for my unhappiness in America? Well, time will tell that one too.

A Box of Chocolates.

This has been my life lately...life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get.

NC State classes are going well. I have one professor that is really enjoying abusing his power over us. It's been a bit overwhelming, but that's over (HAAAAAALLELUJAH!) and now we're splitting the classes up again. However, one good thing that I can report is this:

This professor that was enjoying abusing his power is a professor that I really have disliked in the past. However, after I completed the one assignment (yes. one. that's how HUGE this joker was.) and we just discussed Hamlet the rest of the week, I began to realize how much I was actually enjoying myself. I remember him telling us a few times that he enjoys student teachers more than any other students so maybe it's that or maybe he's just a nicer person a year later. He's one of the most intimidating people that I've ever met but he actually smiled this week. I near 'bout fell out of my chair when he laughed, but I am really learning a lot and I loved the things that he was telling/showing/teaching us this week.

We had our first legit (aka with Bibles) BStud this week. I'm pretty sure I stepped on some toes, but the girls seemed to handle the whole thing pretty well. I love them more than life and sometimes that love has to be tough--they'll thank me one day. This semester we're walking through the Book of James and I'm expecting big things. Well, rather, I'm praying for big things and waiting patiently for the Lord to show up.

My Hannah turned 20 on Wednesday. Oh man, I'm old.

This is where the box of chocolates comes in to play. Last night at Crusade I found out some news that I could have lived without. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in control and I love the small fingerprints of how He has been orchestrating this whole thing for years.

Spencer Shell is a friend of mine. 21 years old. Artist, lover of Jesus, involved with Cru/SV, runs 6 miles a day. While running on campus yesterday he collapsed. Praise the Lord it was on Dan Allen where it was highly populated and someone called for help. Given that he was just out for an afternoon run, he had no ID on him. But, he just "happened" to be wearing a Crusade tshirt. One of the paramedics had an onlooker use their Smartphone to Google Campus Crusade for Christ at NC State and the first contact number they found was Mike Mehaffie. Now, Spencer just "happens" to be in Mike's Bible Study. The paramedics asked that since this unidentified person belonged to our group could we send someone to ID him. Mike went and immediately recognized Spencer. Turns out, Spencer went into heart failure while running and is still in the ICU. I don't care what God you believe in, I beg of you to pray for Spencer.

Another Crusade person lost their father yesterday as well. Jan Shin is a senior and was one of the first people I met at Crusade. Praise the Lord though her earthly father is gone, her Heavenly Father is not.

NCSU Cru is at a loss for words except for these:

GOD IS SOVEREIGN.

twenty three.

twenty three.

that's the number of appointments i have left in order to meet up with all of my girls. all of them. all sixty seven of them.

sixty seven.

twenty three.

i love Jesus.

if you could keep this process in your prayers, i'd greatly appreciate it. i have nine weeks left in this semester. that's a little over two girls a week. oh boy. i'm just glad Jesus is bigger than i am :)

moving forward.

I have officially spoken with both of my professors about getting my exams moved for Lebanon!

One just needed proof of my participation in this opportunity for us to discuss my options, so I should be free and clear for my Adolescent Psychology class.

My economics class, on the other hand, is the one that I think will be the toughest battle. I've emailed him with proof of my involvement in the program, and told him that I'd be willing to work however he wishes to in order for to get out of my final exam date.

I've done all that I can! We'll see how this goes! Ahhh!!!

two lessons on worry.

Yes, I do realize that I have already posted today. You'll get over it.

When I first applied for Lebanon, I made it very clear to God that if this was just an test of faith if I would be willing to step out of my comfort zone to follow Him, that was fine, but please don't let me get accepted! Although I am not accepted yet (still waiting on references), I received an email from one of our staff people telling me there was a problem with my application.

I had marked that my date of availability was May 12. Being that I was told earlier that our project was looking like May 15-June 22, that was no problem. However, the email said that we are looking to leave more like May 9th or 1oth. If this happens, God will REALLY be taking me out of my own plans--missing Meredith's Class Day with my Bible Study girls, missing Mothers Day, being run out of Raleigh before exams are over, not being able to work at all during the summer before I leave, whew! The email asked if I could talk to my professors to see if my exams could change.
I have four paper exams this semester. Two on two days, then skip three days, and take two more, then supposedly leave for Lebanon. Of course, the two exams which directly say on our syllabus "these exam dates are non-negociable" are the two I need to get moved.
I've sent an email to one professor to see about this and I'll be going to office hours with another prof ASAP so I can let Regional know soon if I'll be available.
Oh boy.

I read a book (I know, big shocker!) earlier this semester entitled "Calm My Anxious Heart" and a few chapters were focused on worry. One quote that really stuck with me was this (although this is quite paraphrased):

"Worrying committing infidelity in our relationship with God. His part of the relationship is to provide grace and unconditional love and our part is faith. When we begin to worry, we have lost our faith that God has our best interests in mind. When we have lost our faith, no matter how small, we are backing out of our relationship with Christ."

This struck me. My relationship with my Savior is one of my most precious possessions, how could I so easily just leave it. And worrying really doesn't solve anything! It just makes you eat chocolate and gives you heart problems. When I read this, I resolved to worry less. Well, the thing with resolutions is that you are often tested with them. I have definitely been tested with this particular one! In case you missed this quote's relevance, see above...or below.

I am entering my fourth semester as a Bible Study leader with Campus Crusade for Christ here on State's campus. I absolutely adore it and my girls are my world! Well, because Jesus enjoys putting me on the big screen in Heaven and watching me with a bucket of popcorn, He's been working on my life recently, especially in the Bible Study area. I had a meeting today with my West Campus director and both of my co-leaders to discuss some strain in our Bible Study recently. I went into this meeting with a horrible attitude. I knew how to solve this problem and I had been fighting this battle for a long time, but my tears, concerns, pain, and stress had been falling on deaf ears. The fact that we had to talk about this stuff AGAIN was severly pissing me off. I decided at the meeting that it wasn't smart for me to talk at all because I knew I couldn't mask my frustrations and I would possibly burn bridges, severely hurt feelings, step on toes and possibly leave my girls--who wants that? Thankfully, my co-leader Ava Michelle stepped up and voiced alot of the same concerns that I had been voicing and because God was definitely speaking through her, she was able to communicate alot better than what I would have been able to. She handled everything gracefully with kindness and tact. For the first time in many, many, many months, I walked away from a meeting about Bible Study with hope and even joy! I had been worrying myself sick with many different outcomes of this meeting and Bible Study in general but I now have an amazing peace. Once again, God had to teach me the lesson that these girls are His first and mine second. He had to teach me that I am not important and He can do this work without me, He just chooses to use me for some reason. And I am so glad He does :)