Temporary Strength.

My life seems to define the word "temporary" these days.

My job is "temporary" and will be over soon.
My time with my kiddos is "temporary".

My living situation is "temporary". One week I live in Raleigh, the next Wendell.

I am a completely Type A kind of girl. I have lists and plans and thrive on organized chaos. I hate not knowing where I'm going to be three paychecks from now. I hate not knowing what to do about my living situation come January.

Some days I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Some days I don't want to be a teacher for another minute. Even my decisions seem to be temporary!

Eden will only be a baby temporarily so I have to soak up her cuteness and her hugs and kisses as much as I can now.

My girls will only be in Raleigh temporarily because the next two years are going to fly by faster than the last two years did...and that makes my heart so heavy.

Everything is temporary.

And I am made for eternity.

Those two things don't exactly mix.

To move on to another tangent, the loneliness that is creeping into my soul is overwhelming.

I've said before that I don't have a best friend. I never have. I have lots of good friends, but I don't have that one person that I can call at any hours of the day, every day. Those girls that had that one friend in middle school that they spent every waking hour with...I used to make fun of them. I really did. I didn't get it. I liked knowing that I had A LOT of friends and not just one or two. A piece of me regrets not deeply investing now.

I sit in a room with eighty-eight children all day every day. I can only share a piece of myself with them. It would be wrong and unhealthy to find my identity in "being a teacher" because if that were true, then days like today--where they don't listen and don't care and are just all-out RUDE--would be the death of me. To have half conversations for almost five hours a day can wear out a soul. Especially when there is no one to help rejuvenate you.

You're probably wondering why I titled this post "Temporary Strength" if all I'm going to do is whine all night.

Well, people have always said that I'm a strong person. Some have said it for physical purposes, others for emotional, others for spiritual. I've always laughed because I don't see it. I see my flaws when I look introspectively. I see where I am lacking and what needs to be improved and I calculate how to do so.

It's hard. Every day.  The lack of genuine conversation. The lack of a true support group. The feeling of being the outsider or the third wheel.

I know I am blessed. I know I am supported. I know this...but knowing and feeling are two different things.

I am going to allow my lack of strength to take over for a moment, and I'm going to be weak and sink in humility for a second.

I need a support group to love me and encourage me. I need friends that love Jesus and can point me to Him. Friends that are present and in my life. And at a stage of life where my schedule is the exact opposite of everyone else's...that doesn't exist.
I need prayer so that I can desire and seek to be filled by Him instead of trying to find my identity elsewhere.
I need to accept that He made me this way and no other way because His plan is perfect.
I need to accept that I am doing what He wants me to do, and I need to renew the faith that this is where I am supposed to be...because my soul is longing for bigger and greater.
I need to find joy and not just contentment.
I need to remember that I am fighting the good fight and to not back down when outside forces tell me differently.
I need to remember that the right thing to do is never the easy thing to do.

...

...

...

I need to broken again because then He can fix it and put everything back together in the right place.

I know that sounds so weird and I know what I'm asking. It doesn't matter how many days come between me and my depression-filled months...those memories of that defeat and heartbreak are never far away.

But I also know that I can keep scraping the bottom of the barrel and always come up short...or I can be put together perfectly and let things work themselves out.

Any strength that I can find within myself with only last for a few moments. Strength that is built elsewhere will last a lifetime.

I am out of strength. Just add that to the list of the things that are temporary.

Face.

I came home the other night wearing a very sad face.

It had been a bad day at work, and I wanted the world to know it, so I wore it on my face.

However, when I came home, I came home to this face

And also to this face

Which made me put on my happy face.

Then Ava Michelle and I put on our men faces and changed the face of the mantle.

These two picture faces were hung without a tape measure, but with a ball of yarn, a hammer, and some screwdrivers.

Then we hung some more picture faces

Go Wolfpack!

This clock face is now hanging in our hallway face.

Don't worry, Ava Michelle got it on clearance, 75% off.

Ha.

Then we changed the face of our dining room.

Thanks Kara for this wonderful print! I love your face!

While Ava Michelle and I were changing our apartment's face, we came across this face.

I am now wearing my "grossed-out" face.

After we wore our men faces, a bunch of other faces showed up at our apartment face.

Gordo came over and didn't like me capturing his face.

Then this face came home. She's a crazy face.

So Alecia and Gordo combined their faces to give me one picture face.

Pretty soon after, this face came walking in our back door.

I have missed this face. Nick went home to Yankee Land, and now he's back in the South Land, and I'm wearing my happy girl face.

He was greeted by a lot of screaming girl faces.

Alecia then said to Ava Michelle, "I'm gonna kiss your face."

I then told the apartment that I was going to go to sleep.

And Nick gave me this face.

And I went to bed with a smile on my face.

1. It's almost midnight, and I am cooking.

2. I love bow tie pasta. I think it's sassy. Just when I thought it couldn't get any sassier, I found colored veggie pasta. Hello sass-to-the-max.

3. This is my puppy. I love her.

4. I watched this movie last night. I don't think I stopped laughing during the whole entire thing. I would recommend it, on one condition: you don't have a problem with cursing. They're a Southern family who praise Jesus in one syllable and in the next they're using a four letter word.

5. I found an old cross-stitching pattern in my closet and I'm working on it currently. I hope to hang it in my apartment next year.

6. I decorated my graduation cap. Those are my initials in the middle and around it I have the following written: Sullivan Girls Bible Study, Clearwater Beach Summer Project 2008, Lebanon Dream Team 2010, and then three of my favorite Bible verses.

7. This is my niece. She's not allowed to date until she's married. And I will be setting her up with an arranged marriage.

8. These are my parents when they were my age. They were high school sweethearts. It's gross and incredibly cute at the same time.

9. These are the most uncomfortable shoes in the world. I'm currently wearing them almost every day as I head out to job interviews and meeting principals for a hopeful job next year.

10. I don't like uneven lists but I couldn't find another picture to share a sentence about. So I'm just writing jibber-jabber.

Happy Tuesday...well, now it's Wednesday.

The Golden Rule.

I'm sure you all have heard it.

"Do unto others as you would have them do to you."

It's something that I live by.

People often ask me "Why do you do everything that you do?" i.e. cook dinner for 15 people every week, love your girls as hard as you do, drop by unannounced with cookies, drop by unannounced with just a hug, etc.

The answer is simple: I do what I would want someone else to do for me.

I love getting snail mail, so I try to write at least one letter to someone every month. I love cookies, so I bake them and just drop them off at people's houses. I wish someone would make me dinner, so I do it for others.

I want someone to take care of me, so I take care of others.

Some people call it karma...I call it The Golden Rule.

Yesterday, I was blessed by a big stroke of The Golden Rule.

Let me take a few steps back: One of my good friends, Kimberly (who is also one of the four I'll be living with next year), stopped by my place Tuesday night with some exciting news: she got in to the grad school program that she wanted to, as well as the summer internship that she wanted. We squealed a bit, jumped up and down a bit, hugged a bit, you know, general girl merriment festivities.

After we had settled down, she looked me square in the eye and said, "You look exhausted."

Folks, I was exhausted. I've been working between 40 and 50 hours the past few weeks plus other various activities. I could have easily curled up in bed at that moment and not woken up for at least a day.

Kimberly gave me a hug and some encouragement, but then showed herself out the door so that I could go upstairs to (finally) go to sleep.

Yesterday, I went to work. To say the least, it was a bad day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just couldn't snap out of the mood. After my shift ended, I got back in the car and drove home, grouchy and moody the whole way home. I was having 15 people over for dinner and I hadn't started cooking yet. The whole time home I was just thinking...I wish someone would cook dinner for me. Why doesn't anyone ever do anything nice for me?

Seriously...I was groooooouuchy.

I got home and plopped in front of the television for an hour before I decided to start cooking.

I headed upstairs...and near 'bout had a stroke.

My room was clean.

My entire room was clean. Straighted, vacuummed, dusted...genuinely cleaned!

I certainly hadn't done it.

The last time I checked my room looked like this:

Yeah, I know it's bad. I take care of others, but I really don't take care of myself. Feel free to judge.

But I feel like you should know exactly what this little cleaning fairy was getting herself into.

She may hate me for ratting her out, but the world needs to know just how good she really is.

Kimberly had talked with my roommate and come over and cleaned up my room while I was at work.

The ironic part about all of this is about 5 minutes before I headed upstairs I hit rock bottom in my selfish, grouchy mood and decided to share it with the universe on Twitter.

"The only thing I really want in my life is for someone to take care of me."

Oh Rebekah, if only you knew...

Well, give yourself about 38 seconds and you did.

I also would like to point out that Kimberly left a note for me explaining where she put everything. I love that the first line expresses how well she knows me.

Kimberly literally gave me the gift of time. I was able to take a nap yesterday, and I was able to enjoy being with the people that I had over for dinner because I wasn't thinking about the thousands of other things I needed to be doing at that moment. I got to go to sleep last night and not lie away worrying about when my to-do list was going to get done. I was able to pack for my adventure this weekend and not stress. I love coming home to clean house, but I knew it wasn't going to get done this time, and it really bothered me. She gave me peace of mind, time, sleep, and so much joy!

Kimberly, you are straight up, the best friend a girl could ask for. I love that I can come to you with anything and you accept me, love me, listen to me, rebuke me, advise me, and still at the end of it all, cherish me and our friendship. I am so excited to live with you next year so that I can serve you and beside you. I have loved getting to know you and becoming friends with you and watching you grow in the Lord and just as a person these past few years.

 

Words will never express how appreciative I am of our friendship. Not just for this extreme act of kindness, but also because you truly make me a better person. I love, love, love you.

Breakdown Impending...

I have started this thing called "Wednesday Night Dinners" with a group of my closest friends.

It's pretty simple. I cook a big meal, and about twenty people come over and devour said meal, and leave me with lots of dishes to do. Well, "leave me" isn't exactly the correct term since every time they try to do something, I end up yelling at them to get out of my kitchen. Oh well, I still blame them.

Tonight, we had a Wednesday Night Dinner just like any other Wednesday night. I've never seen that many people in an apartment before. Whew! Well, Barn Party Project Pancakes may have it all beat, but who knows...

As a bunch of us were standing around outside, delaying the inevitable getting-in-the-car-driving-away-to-go-home-and-study-for-our-last-exam(s)-EVER, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I may never been in the same close area with these amazing people ever again. At least not all at the same time.

This heartbreak is different from the ones with my girls. My girls are stuck with me for life. So are my grandgirls and my great-grandgirls. These people have molded me into this person. They have prayed for me when I've asked and even times where I haven't had to ask. They showed me that good community doesn't just exist on Summer Projects, but also in real life. We spent every single weekend together my junior year and they emotionally and financially sent me to Lebanon the following summer.

As we were standing around, Kimberly pulled all of the girls into one big group hug. I stood there praying, with my arms around some of the greatest loves of my life, that my girls would know a joy such as this. That this moment could happen again and again. That I would know love like this again. That miles only separated our physical beings but never our hearts and our prayers.


I don't know how many people actually read this thing and I don't know who you are...but if you have made up my heart and life over the last few years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for loving me so much that I don't want to graduate.
Thank you for allowing me to love you.
Thank you for eating my cookies, pasta, chicken, and pancakes and always giving my ego a boost when you clean your plate.
Thank you for allowing me to call you "mine".
Thank you for putting up with insanity and my drama and my mood swings and my sass.
Thank you for praying for me.
Thank you for allowing me to pray for you.
Thank you for sharing your time with me.
Thank you for sharing your life with me.
Thank you for sharing your hearts with me.
Thank you for this amazing adventure that I get to call 'college'.
Thank you for...

for...

everything.

I truly don't take it lightly.

24 years ago.

Twenty-four years ago, God played a prank on the entire world.

His name was Nate.

I know he looks big, bad, and scary...

But he's nothing but a big teddy bear.

I love this kid. I'm thankful for him. He's stuck around for many years, and I could not be more grateful.

Today's his birthday, so I decided to honor him with a little blog post.

Ya know, since I'm lame and keep forgetting to stick his present in the mail.

(it's coming, i promise)

Happy birthday, You.

A Catastrophe!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I simply cannot go on.

My very own DNA denies me life.

My entire double helix of deoxyribose nucleic acid is completely wrapped in a double membrane of OCD.

And I have left my apartment without any Post-Its or my Vera Bradley miniature notebook that houses my to-do lists, random thoughts, blog ideas, etc.

This has never happened to me before.

Seriously.
When I was in Lebanon, I brought my Vera Bradley notebook.
When I was in Clearwater, I brought three, count it: 3, pads of Post-Its.
Whenever I am anywhere else, I have one of the two (if not both) in my purse.

I am seriously about to start shaking because I can't make my lists! I can't check things off! I can't use different color markers for different types of activities!

The world as I have known it has ended.

My entire family is in the great state of Florida and I am stuck in North Carolina to work. (By the way, can I please insert how my mother texted me a picture of her and Russell Wilson, the Wolfpack's star quarterback. I am just not okay with this. Jealousy...envy...coveting...ughhh) Therefore, I am about to go crawl into my parents' fabulous Sleep Number bed and bury myself under the covers until it is tomorrow. Tomorrow I am moving my plans that I had for Wednesday up and heading to my apartment for more clothes, books, and Post-Its.

Once I am reunited with my beautiful Post-Its or notebook, I will soon make a list. This list will include many ideas for future blogs. Eventually, that list of blog ideas will become an actual blog, and I will entertain you once again.

Until then...

I am in NEED!

I am in NEED!

My creative juices are running dry and I don't know what to post about! Help!

A friend of mine did an "Ask Me Anything" type of deal and she has been able to get some cute posts out of it, answering people's questions and taking pictures of different things.

That being said, I'm stealing from Laura (and a bit from Christin too):

HELP ME, sweet blog readers! Give me ideas, ask me anything, instruct me on how to entertain you!

Unfortunately, I have no cute children to blog about all the live long day. I also have no cute boyfriend to brag about, and so much of my life is going out to dinner or the movies that I'm sure you're tired of that spill all ready!

So, for Christmas, from the sixty of you that read this every now and again, tell me what you want to know. I'm looking forward to delivering in 2011 :)