Redeemed.

This evening I went back to Wildcat Kingdom to go see some of my former students' choral performance. They did a most excellent job and they were so excited to see me (and I, them!!!). I tell ya, there's something about a mom coming up to you and saying, "You're still her favorite teacher."

I got in my car and was headed back to my Cute Little House and this feeling of inadequacy overwhelmed me. I can't even tell you all of the adjectives that I was having to process. All I know for sure is that my heart hurt, deeply and truly.

I have recently discovered the USB plug in my fancy-shmancy car and have enjoyed listening to my iPhone's playlist while driving down the road. I find it to be no coincidence that Big Daddy Weave's song "Redeemed" came blasting through my speakers as the first tear rolled down my face. Folks, do yourself a favor and click on that link and just listen to these words.

Seems like all I can see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then you look at this prisoner and say to me

"Son, stop fighting a fight that's already been won."

I am redeemed, you set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain

Cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed...I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear you whisper, "Child lift up your head"

I remember oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, you set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain

Cause I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone because

I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
And wipe away every stain

Cause I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemd

Thank God, I'm redeemed

I have a "Dear God" board. When something gets too much, I just write it down, stick it on the board, and talk to Jesus about it. There was another ride home similar to the one that I had tonight where those words were taking up too much space in my head. I pulled off to the side of the road and found a napkin and started writing these words down so that I could get them out of my brain.

unhappy -- unworthy -- forgotten -- lonely -- unliked -- scarred -- calloused -- empty

insignificant -- insufficient -- ugly -- unlovable -- screw up -- failure -- aimless

mistake -- worthless -- bankrupt -- misunderstood

These words kept coming back to me on the way home tonight. They ran through my head like the Olympics had started over and Usain Bolt was looking for another win. They weighed on my heart and nothing I could do would shake them. I reminded myself of all of the good that had come out of the past eighteen months. I reminded myself of all of the ways that I have grown from the hurt that has happened. I reminded myself that I have done everything I could to forgive people that have wronged me and how I was turning this whole career situation into a positive. I recalled the looks on my kids' faces tonight when I saw them and tried to tell myself that they didn't hate me for making the selfish choice to take a year off; they still loved me and they were still just as beautiful and vibrant without me.

None of this worked.

unworthy -- unloved -- insignificant -- forgotten -- replacable

failure -- insufficient -- aimless -- worthless

And then "Redeemed" came on.

Then I remember, oh, God, You're not done with me yet.

You look at this prisoner and say to me, "Daughter, stop fighting this war, it's already been won."

Those children you left behind? They're still mine, and they still love you, and they know that you still love them.

Those people that hurt you? They're human, but I created them and I love them and therefore you must too.

That pain they caused you? Beloved, please remember I know pain. This is not too great for you -- this too shall pass.

That unshakable feeling of loneliness that you feel as you lay in bed at night and cry? I'm right there. Allow me to hold you. Remind yourself that I'm right there.

Zechariah 9:12 "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."

Isaiah 52:2 "...free yourself from these chains, Daughter of Zion!"

The only chains you are captive to, my Daughter, are the ones that you put on yourself. I took all the burdens on for you. You simply keep taking them back.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..."

Let it be, Child. Let it be. You have been redeemed. I've set you free.

Job 19:25 "And I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end He will stand on the ends of this earth."